What if I have nothing left?

I thought I was doing everything right.
In 2006 I was honorably discharged from the navy. I didn’t collect unemployment as I was sure to be employed quickly, I was correct. In the service I was an engineer which translated to many types of jobs in the private sector.
I had a wife and a 4 year old son.
Well, by 2007 I learned my wife was mostly single while I was deployed which cramped her style with me being home.
We divorced that April, almost one year exactly from getting out of the navy. I won joint custody of our son, I didn’t think she was a bad mother and I loved being a dad.
Things went well, my son seemed to adjust okay. October 2008 I started dating again. I fell in love quickly with a woman. We had a child almost exactly one year later. As if that wasn’t enough, she wanted another child so one year and one month later we had another child. Life was close to perfect.
Elijah, my first boy was starting to act difficult in school. He was acting up,  I felt there was more going on than I could see or prove.
I still had joint custody, which where I live means, visitation every other weekend and I get a say on his schooling and medical treatment.
Unfortunately, his mother moved him 2 hours away from me. Each school year she would change his school. I had to introduce myself to his new school each year and try and get acquainted with the new teaching staff.
Every other weekend I would drive two hours to pick him up, then 2 hours back home. On sunday night I would repeat the same thing. 8 hours on my weekend off was spent in a car. I wouldn’t trade those hours with my son for anything.
In 2014 Elijah was committed to a behavior health hospital for suicidal thoughts. I was shaken to my core.
At first the hospital would not let me see Eli. I had to drive back home, 2 hours, to retrieve my divorce decree to prove I had joint custody.
After the hospital staff and his doctor finally started to talk to me I found out that Eli’s mom had tried committing him several times in the past to a couple of different institutions and ER room. Each time after observation and diagnosis he was found to have no suicidal ideation.
At this point I got very involved. Eli had high anxiety and was very impulsive. Each time he would come over to my home he was wound up and it would take him several hours to relax.
Elijah’s Grandmother had committed suicide in 2009 and I thought his mom was projecting that on our son. Each doctor I spoke with could not diagnose Eli with suicidal ideation or thoughts as he claimed to have none.
Later that year, 2014, I hired a lawyer to pursue custody of Eli.
The court had me hire a child psychiatrist to interview all parties involved. This included my now wife and our kids.
This process went on for almost two years. It was coming to fruition as the Doctor was going to testify as to who he felt Eli should live with. A week before the court date, on april 24 2016, Eli was dropped off at my front door. I was a proud owner of a 13 1/2 year old boy.
A week later I saw my lawyer to sign some paper work, stop child support and collect the doctors summation. A summation I wish I had read.

Eli excelled in our house. His brother and sister were ecstatic to have him live there. They always thought everything he did was awesome. Eli was a very intelligent child. I loved seeing him discover. He always had a thirsty mind. As a matter of fact I believe that is why teachers never gave up on him. His behavior was horrible however he was a strait A student.
Living with me it was obvious what he was missing with his mom. Security, stability and responsibility.
He loved sushi as he was born in japan. He loved earth, dragons, anime and could solve a 4×4 rubrics cube in just under 6 minutes, 4X4, not a 3X3. I could finally sleep at night. Everyone I loved was under one roof.

Eli had an excellent school year, not one suspension. He was in the eighth grade, his seventh school. for the sixth grade he didn’t attend school that year. He had his first birthday party, 14, with friends and a girlfriend too. It all seemed to be like a fairytale. Eli’s mom had moved out of state after she dropped him off at my house 6 months earlier. She did send a box of goodies to him for his birthday. I suggested to him that he should do a youtube video to open it and send the link to her.

In February of 2017 a tornado struck my place of business and put it out of commission. It was an ominous start to the year.
Everyone was doing fine in the family. I had to fly to one of our sister plants out of state to make products for our customers as our factory wasn’t going to be up and running until November 2017.
Eli was starting the 9th grade, his eight new school.
He seemed to be struggling to make friends however his school work went strait to the top marks. He seemed to be thirsting for knowledge still but slightly more distant from the family. I attributed it to puberty. I know I needed to have the talk that every father needs to have with his son who is turning into a young man.
On September 5th I had to fly out of state for work. I was due back on the 14th, I was going to talk to him then.

On September the 12th, at 0700am, my wife called me sobbing. she was waiting for EMS, she found my son dead in our barn. He hung himself. My life ended that day. I think I am ready to go now. I cant do this anymore.