It’s been 10 years since I was last here

Hi..

So, it’s been a little over 10 years since I was last here. The last thing I would’ve posted would’ve been goodbye on June 30, 2010. That was the day before a failed attempt which put me in a psychiatric hospital for 19 days and a 4 year long recovery until I was able to mentally and emotionally get on my feet and be stable, be able to support myself independently and not be a burden on anyone else. I found a job, later had my own apartment (two actually), left my job, returned to studies and then dropped out just before corona first caused lockdown. At that point I had just moved back to my hometown for the first time in almost 10 years as I moved away shortly after my psychiatric hospital stay. I’m now back in the same house where most of my depression manifested.

I’ve been here since February, but I moved into a different room which wasn’t my previous bedroom, I redecorated it to fit the person I am now but the rest of the house hasn’t changed much at all.. I try to avoid certain things or habits I used to have here so I can lessen the opportunity of repressed thoughts or feelings returning but one habit has returned and that’s pacing.. pacing here is bitter sweet for me because pacing and whispering out loud to myself when I’m home alone is almost my way of venting, getting my feelings out.. but it does take me back 10-11 years when I would intentionally punish myself by pacing. I had developed an eating disorder and I would come downstairs at midnight to walk the circle around my home (hallway>lounge, dining room, kitchen and back to the hallway> repeat) I would walk to punish my body by consuming more calories than I was taking in, all the while on suicideproject reading and writing to people who were suffering like me. And here I am now, I don’t have an eating disorder but I find myself pacing, and today I searched suicideproject once more and I feel like I’m taken back to 10-11 years. I was 18/19 back then. I had no idea just how young I was because I felt pressure from every direction that I should be doing this and that, but I had no guidance.. no one properly sat down with me to discuss how I am, what I want to do, where I want to go, my ambitions or anything.. so I sunk deeper and deeper into my own depression. At this moment in time I haven’t been working this year, I do think it’s affected me a lot because I’ve lost all sense of routine I used to have.. I try to motivate myself with digital art and other things but it’s always short lived. I don’t know why I came back here today and maybe I won’t return but there are occasional moments where I feel like a hook clings onto my back and drags me back 10-15 years ago and today was one of those days. I’m sure no one I knew or spoke to back in 2009/2010 are still active on here.. maybe some are.. I came back so it’s possible.. but if you wonder what kept me going since then? We got two cats.. and even though I didn’t have much drive or ambition, I couldn’t imagine being without my cats & I honestly dread to think what will become of me when they pass one day. If you ask me did I manage to find happiness after my attempt 10 years ago? No.. it was a huge struggle but I found routine and contentment.. that’s what kept me doing as well as the cats.. although I don’t consider myself to be suicidal, I don’t really have active thoughts of it or doing it, but if you asked me if I would rather be dead or alive? my answer would be the first choice