I dont know why im posting this. It’s meaningless to the faceless. I fought for my kids for too long and now they’re gone. I once believed fathers mattered, dads mattered, but we dont. I cant fight anymore. In and out of dark places, only to find deeper, darker places, my mind races, and the only thing slowing it down is this drink…which i havent touched for over 20 years…until recently when all hope left. I know it doesnt help, but it numbs. I was with them almost everyday since birth, and i cant get used to this life without them. Is this what life is now? This isnt living. It’s existing. My closest friend whom i consider my brother told me “live your life for you now”…i never lived my life for me. I dont know how. Even if i wanted to, im stuck in this pandemic and go anywhere. Im stuck in this job where i need to be high functioning at all times, but im barely keeping myself together. Everytime i feel like breaking down, i tell myself “DON’T!! KEEP IT IN AND SAVE IT AS STRENGTH TO…” well, you probably already know…
My heart is so broken. I’m shattered and i cant fix it this time. I cant. Too much of me is missing. It’s like im constantly being kicked in the chest…and it hurts to breath. I never cheated. There was no abuse. I tried to live in a good way. But none of that matters. I dont pray anymore. I dont believe anymore. My heart stopped twice in my life, and im always asked what i seen…i seen and felt nothing. There is no thing. I think about that alot, and weigh it to where things are, where my mind takes me…to that darker place. Carl sagan summed it up nicely; a dreamless sleep.
I don’t know why i’m sharing these meaningless words with the faceless…as i tell myself “DON’T!! SAVE IT AS STRENGTH…”
4 comments
Although I can’t know what you’re going through, I get it. Some things can’t be fixed. And the only thing left is that downward spiral. All I can say is be careful with that alcohol because diving back after 20 years off the sauce is a recipe for disaster. Mental disaster. I’m sure you know that alcohol is a depressant so it’ll amplify the dark hopeless thoughts you’re having, and one thing’s for sure you don’t need to amplify that.
One thought that might give you strength is that your kids will eventually reach the age when they can make their own decisions and they will certainly want to see you again, no matter what they’ve been brainwashed to think in your absence. Might be 10 years from now or whenever, but you’ll have a chance to set things right. Don’t rob yourself of that.
Then again, I’d be a hypocrite if I told you to ‘hang in there’ because like I said, I get it.
All I can say is that your words are not meaningless to me. I wish I were wiser to be able to say something more substantial. I send you a tremendous ‘virtual’ hug from someone who is also suffering tremendously.
<3 Your words are not meaningless. In fact, as a child who's dad was absent the majority of my life, I find your words full of meaning and in many ways, relatable. Especially when you say " This inst living. It’s existing." Countless souls can relate to those words.
This f***ing hurts. So much. I cant wait 10 years, i dont even recognize myself right now let alone 10 years from now, even more-so my kids. Tens of thousands i spent in divorce and family court. All options are now off the table. Ive exhausted every avenue. I’ve got nothing left to give. My ex even told the judge i never cheated, no abuse, or any foul thing like that. That im a good dad. Yet…here i am…f***. I never wanted this. I didnt ask for this. This is it for me. This. Been beyond my own alcoholic tolerance for weeks now, months, even now.
Ive been designated to work from home now. I cant go in their rooms. I cant pack their things. I cant even see their pictures. F***. Who knows how long ill be working from home now, with that reminder everyday….
I’m so shattered right now…
I do thank you for your kind words. Whoever you are. Wherever you are.