I wanted to say that it’s been a long time since I’ve ruminated on killing myself, but sadly that is not true.
I think about it a lot more than I’d like to admit. Almost every day in fact.
I have this weird fascination with the void. Someone once described it to me as the call of the void and I think there’s something really beautiful about that.
“The call of the void.”
Like there is something there drawing me towards it.
Beckoning…
Awaiting.
I know that someday I will die. So why would I ever want to rush to that conclusion?
The last time I was truly suicidal my mom found the note that I had written, and it always strikes me as so strange the shame I felt. Like why am I the one who is under attack? I thought I was doing everyone a favor by putting my last thoughts down in pen.
In actuality, the thought of my mother crying on my bed is one of the only thoughts that truly kept me from answering the call of the void that year.
That’s not to say that I didn’t come tantalizingly close to following through with it.
I distinctly remember the first time I sought psychiatric help on of my own will, how the doctor told me she wouldn’t be able to see me for another two weeks and how I had truly thought to myself that I might not be around for another two weeks. How scared I was to leave the doctor’s office that day with that thought in my mind. How dead I felt inside.
And yet, there was an intoxicating sense of freedom in that resignment.
I was finally free of the pain that had become my life at that point.
The psychological shackles had been broken, and at this point the only thing left was to break the physical shackles.
I don’t know who you are, or if you are reading this, or if you even care.
Maybe you feel the same way I do. Or did. Maybe you don’t.
It doesn’t matter, because I am here with you now.
3 comments
Not sure of the decency in saying “glad you’re here” to anyone on a site like this but thanks for posting. That’s a swell phrase, “Call of the Void”. I could never think of a name to give it, but I relate to this feeling. At times I’m not in despair as usual but still yearn to end it all just so that I might realize something the living cannot. That’s got nothing to do with the fucked up condition of my life.
There might be a kind of experience or even consciousness in what we call non-existence. Maybe we have forever been playing too safe by putting all eggs in the basket of existence. I wonder if we’ve got it upside down and the dead of all the ages are laughing down at the dumb rabbits breeding madly in their little cage.
Interesting thoughts
I agree love the ‘title’ of it… “the call of the void”.
That is exactly what it feels like, void of feelings, void of wants/cares, void everything…the sad thing is it keeps calling to me…. this VOID. Just as I feel a twinge of anything I’m called back to the emptiness. Like I’m not entitled to anything/feelings.
Thank you for sharing.