everyday I feel like dying

I often try to endure all the pain that I’m facing by putting on a smile and laughing happily even though the jokes ain’t really that funny, gosh I feel like a hipocrite. Im a popular girl, I have many friends…however am always traumatized by the past events of my childhood. When I was a kid, I was bullied for the way I look, every single day I was bullied in school, and since then I have low self esteem. I’m really very sensitive and understanding, that’s due to my past and my nature. I have a very strong sense of unhappiness though maybe thats because of how my childhood was, which I channel to creativity of music and art and design to help cope with my depression. Actually I’ve been hiding this from everyone, only my ex boyfriend have a glimpse of who I truly am. Everytime I tell a friend am depress, they won’t listen to me nor pay attention to me, which I find it really saddening. I write, I play music and Im a designer, well perhaps the only times when am peaceful and happy are the times when I alone, when Im outside, Im a joker, and am hilarious and popular among my friends, sigh. Everyday I have thoughts of suicide and no one in my family took me seriously about this…they think my problems are not enough for me to kill myself, my brother is schizophenic and he talks to himself, screams, yells and laugh hysterically, it prob on of the reasons why am so fed up about life, because my brother will never be cured from himself. So yea, about the suicidal thing, everyday I’d try to cope, I go to sch, put on a fake smile and talk to everyone in sch, though part of me is broken I stilll try really hard to struggle with these insanities. You have no idea why am suicidal when you look at me you prob think like wtf..because I really don’t look like one. Im too cool and hot, but you have no fucking idea, what depression I’ve been tru and how the real me feels inside.