I don’t know why, but I was immensely depressed today.
I woke up feeling negative and I was running about ten minutes late when I went to the bus. Minutes earlier I looked at the girl I used to like’s (Briana’s) facebook and realized she was in a relationship with someone else.
A year ago yesterday I remember she went to a Stars concert and I texted her to wish her a good night before it happened and it had lots of kisses in it.
Everything bad from last year is coming back. Today that all seemed to hit home. After a year of trying to get over everything nothing’s worked and I haven’t gotten a rebound or fallen out of love for her. Sometimes I just can’t stand it and I cry endlessly all night. In this case that was in first period. I was in the corner of the room (ironically, next to her) and I was crying with my head down. Nobody I wanted to looked over.
This evening I was planning on playing Battlefield 3 but I ended up teaching myself another song on the piano. It’s a great song but it makes me cry alot. The (immensely complicated) ending riff has so many majors and minors combined into six seconds I don’t know how to feel about it. It makes me happy and desperately sad at the same time.
Today I realized that Briana is the only girl I’ve ever truly loved and I can’t get over her, no matter how hard I try. She’s everything I’ve ever wanted. Even if she kicked my heart in the ass and made me this way, I can’t turn away from her. She’s my everything, and if she left, moved to another school, or stopped talking to me, I know for a fact I’d kill myself instantly. The thought of it sends a jolt pain through my chest. And because we fucked up before we can’t be together again. Nothing will ever be the same.
I don’t know where my life is going, and it isn’t going in the right direction I can tell you that. The only thing I’ve ever wanted is just out of reach. I’m only alive because of music and hobbies, and I’m still hanging on by a thread.
People always tell me, “Someone will come along” and “everything’s going to be okay”. That’s what fucking everyone says. You know why in Canada 300 kids take their own lives each year? Because words are said and action isn’t taken. I don’t believe in it anymore. If someone tells me that I get fucking offended. It’s just fucking ignorant at this point. I’ve waited 12 months. What the hell has happened? Nothing.
Everyone I see is in a relationship. The girl I had a small crush on and was about to make a move on got a boyfriend yesterday. My best friend who used to always help me out in times like this has a boyfriend and has no time for me. The only girl I have a chance with is out of bounds because my friend wants to go for her. I’m failing math, I’m going to drop german, every day I’m lacking sleep and I’m alone 99% of the time. My life is a fucking trainwreck and nobody seems to A: give a shit or B: understand. That’s why I’m here.
I have a way out. I have a live 30-06 bullet in my room, a screwdriver, a vice, and a hammer. But do I do it? No. Because people tell me that something good will happen.
I’m waiting on someone to say something else.