I am a happy girl. I work hard and my brain been lucky enough to feel good most of the time. Nothing bad has happened recently and from all rational input, my life is good and I am good.
Then I woke up one day with a random depression attack. I went from happy one minute to picturing myself jumping off the roof the next. It went away after a little while so I didn’t think much of it. Then a week later, the same thing happened but even more intensely. I was just fine. Nothing was wrong. I had a list of things to do that I’m looking forward to. Then the next minute a dark blanket swept over me and all I feel is empty. Not just lost energy but also lost motivation. I’m panicking under this empty blanket but it’s going into a black hole. I felt an urge nagging me to jump the way one may have a sudden craving. I mustered the last of my energy to message for help and a therapist said it might be a reaction to trauma. There hasn’t been direct trauma in my life in a while. This happened again, and again, and again. Seemingly out of nowhere. Seemingly from fine one minute to strong pull to fly the next. I’ve never experienced this before and I don’t understand why.
I am scared.
6 comments
This sounds like an OCD symptom if I’m being honest. Your lack of experience with this feeling makes it much scarier than it would be if you were used to it, and since this is new for you, it’s very hard to get it under control. I highly recommend DBT along with seeing a personal therapist regularly (once a week is usually pretty sufficient). Another possibility is Bipolar, but you haven’t mentioned experiencing manic episodes.
Look into getting a diagnosis so that you can get put on proper medication to lessen the symptoms. What you’re experiencing doesn’t make you crazy. It’s human, and it’s okay.
Right now, try to put together a box of things that help take you down from the compulsive episodes you’re describing. Maybe an essential oil that has a smell you like, something tactile for you to squeeze, and a hobby you enjoy.
This is extremely helpful! thank you so much. I do have mild OCD in another area of life but did not connect the dot. The moment you made a connection that makes sense to my mind I was able to use my normal toolkit to counter the thoughts. The void starts to lift and I start to feel again (feel sad, but I can deal with feeling anything way better than feeling nothing besides bad impulses). Thank you, thank you, thank you so soooo much!
I’m so glad to hear! If you ever have anything else like this come up, just post on here and I’ll probably comment with any help I can give. I’m on here every day.
I will do so, and thanks again. Everday, Wow- you are literally saving lives with very useful actionable too. I admire the heck out of you.
It’s strange how our irrational emotions and thoughts can control our lives. Along side therapy, i suggest maybe meditation practices to help control thoughts and emotions. Therapists often suggest meditative practices anyways.
There’s a book called Veronika Decides to Die which reminds me of you. This girl is living a very happy and successful life. And rarely gets sad. But one day, she decides she wants to die. But she doesnt know why she does. But it’s all she thinks about. It drives quite deep into the psychologies of thought and separating what we truly want in life from what we think we want.
Thank you. I read the book and can relate.
“She never had the energy to be herself, a person who, like everyone else in the world, needed other people in order to be happy.”
“She might have impressed a lot of people with her strength and determination, but where had it left her? In the void.”
“That love asking for nothing in return had managed to fill her with guilt, with a desire to fulfill another’s expectations, even if that meant giving up everything she had dreamed of for herself.”
The mind can easily get obsessed in a particular direction. Your comments and resources are so helpful- adds perspective. Appreciate it.