Tired

I know this is a place to post about suicide attempts, but I’ve been feeling so down recently. I don’t know if anyone will see this or care and I’m fine with that. I’m not looking for pity or reassurance. I just wanted to post it so it’s not stuck in my head.
This year has undoubtedly been my hardest ever, as I’m sure it has been for a lot of people. I’m 16 at the time of posting this and I don’t know if sharing this will make any difference but I don’t really know what else to do. My life has become so meaningless and painful. Everyday I go to college and I see people talking, smiling, going about their lives and I can’t seem to find any happiness. I just sit there in silence wanting to cry because of how much I hate my life, which I know is selfish. I miss my old friends so much. I miss spending time with others and not having to worry about exams, or how I looked, or how popular I am (which I’m not). My routine is the same everyday. Wake up, go to school, come home, eat, work, bed, repeat. I’m stressed out beyond belief. I love my parents and they love me too, but I could never tell them how I feel. Coming from an asian background, it’s not easy to talk to them about things like this. They’ve always been strict with what I can and can’t do and I know they do it for my own good, but I have nothing to look forward to. Nothing to enjoy. I see all my friends online and I have to watch them chilling and laughing without ever being able to join in. I get it’s pathetic and such a small thing but honestly it means so much to me. My friends are like my brothers. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for them, so when I can’t talk to them or go see them, it hurts so much. I’ve started smoking, drinking on weekdays, just to distract myself from my daily life. I want to be happy again so badly. I want to feel like my life means something but I can’t. I don’t wanna tell my friends because I don’t wanna be a burden on them. I’ve played with the idea of suicide for a long time now and looked up the quickest ways to go about it, but I can’t ever follow through with it. My grandmother took her life. I was too young to remember it but I’ve always wondered whether suicidal thoughts could be inherited. Regardless, I’m still stuck in this endless cycle of pain. I’ll stop now. If you’ve made it this far into this post then I just wanna say thanks for taking the time to listen to my story. It’s a bit all over the place but I’m writing it as I go, without any second thoughts. If anyone sees this then I wish you the best in life and I hope you find happiness and meaning.