Another year

Yesterday was my birthday, I’m 39, and I’m still alone. Work in the ER with no support system has finally messed me emotionally up beyond fixable. I have wanted to end it periodically for at least 15 years. I have wished I was never born most of the time since my earliest memories. Now I am actively wishing for accidents and disease and constantly thinking about methods. The primary reason is a lifelong monstrous, crippling and all pervasive anxiety and low self esteem reinforced by an endless stream of abusive and unfeeling people. My work in an extremely hostile environment is just fuel on the fire and makes me colder every day. Ironically I work with suicidal adults and children and have for years.

I also feel like I have never had an intellectual connection with anyone my entire life so the loneliness is compounded. I have used exercise and drugs to get by through the years.. Now it’s so bad that I exercise hours a day seven days a week and use psychedelics as often as practical. I drag myself to work every day without fail and come home to an empty house without fail. I have never and will never use the medical system for help. I talk to god a lot when I’m out running or biking or walking miles and miles alone day and night. It doesn’t seem to answer much or care about me, but I still talk to it because I know it’s the only thing that could understand the isolation I feel.

I don’t know how much longer I can keep going. I have planned to use dual methods that won’t leave a mess and should be effective. I have promised myself to stay until at least my father passes to save him the pain. I just wish people could understand and give the blessing and means for us to go when we want to. At my parents’ ages I’m looking at another ten years before I could do it with a clean conscience. As it is now I don’t know if I’ll make it that long.

Thanks for listening. I’ve never told anyone these things and I’ll probably never tell anyone them again.