I am what I am and what I am is what triggers how I feel, I feel like I’m chained to this catastrophic period aka life.
Being slow, stupid, ugly means I’ll forever be subjected to rejection, judgment, bullying and sadness.
People constantly tell me to believe in myself but question is for what reason? It’s only sensible to believe in something for a reason, it would be dilusional to believe that you can flap your arms and fly.
I still don’t have what my heart desires, and all I desire is comfort, security, my own family respect, my limitations ensured that I will never get any of that. It’s a blessing in disguise that I don’t have any children, no child would deserve a useless individual like me as a father and I would want to pass my genes and subject an innocent soul to an existence full of endless disasters.
I have absolutely nothing to lose if I die and my fear to take this life away means I’ll just prolong my suffering and remain in chains.
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I can relate to you, have similar feelings. Yet not over them, so no idea how to help it. But I learned to use my self hatred to push myself further, use it as reserve energy to keep moving on, to become a better version of my self. It works, but sometimes it fuels this cycle. I had met random people, of whom liked the way I am after few minutes. I think they were delusional, but it might be me who can’t see the good things, the bad and negative blinds after all. Using these feelings as fuel was maybe not as bad after all. After all,”what doesn’t kills us, makes us only stronger.” Or was it “what doesn’t kills us, makes us only more wierd” ? Never give up, I believe in you.