So not super long ago I got the first boyfriend of my life, and I mean FIRST, I’m 20 years old, and dating has never been a priority for me, I’ve never had depression despite everything that’s happened to me.
I was molested as a child and sent into foster care where I was abused, then when my parents got me back I was abused even more, my dad is a drug addict and my mom is verbally abusive, the physical abuse with my parents didn’t start until my sister moved out.
I’ve always just been focused on being a good person, to never let all those bad things not happen to anyone else.
I got an apartment with my best friend who was also my cousin, he then raped me in my sleep and manipulated and gaslighted me into sleeping with him, he knew about me being molested as a child, and I freeze when I’m in uncomfortable sexual situations, he knew all of this, I cried the one time I was awake and he had his way with me, which still was technically consentual because i allowed it, I started sleeping with my door locked, and staying at work later, i didn’t wanna go home, he victim blamed me and told me no one would believe me, well he was right.
I started having a coworker stay overnight, that I quickly realized I had feelings for, after a week i asked him out, and we started dating, I confided in him as to why I only slept with the door locked and he quickly started the process of getting my confidence back up to go against my roommate, he wanted to put him in the grave but I wouldn’t let him.
It’s now a year later and I cant repair from how lonely I feel, everything has gone wrong, and I’m dragging everyone down.
I feel like anytime i talk I’m just nagging at the same man who helped me from that horrible situation, every time I open my mouth anymore something bad happens, I’m poisoning everything i touch just like my parents.
I’ve decided I’m going to kill myself, but i don’t know whether or not to break up with my AMAZING boyfriend first, i want to do whatever will be the least painful.
7 comments
I won’t matter. Break up or no break up, if you off yourself, it will likely have the same effect on him.
not like I’m an expert or anything but if youre sure youre going to do it, then break up and try to put a huge distance between you. like literally move to another city which is what I did. I can kill myself and my ex will probably never find out. If you kill yourself and he’s the one who finds your body or gets questioned by the cops or whatever, he’ll be really traumatized. Not to mention any friends you/he has will instinctively blame him because a bf is supposed to be your support. But if you breakup first then at least he can say to himself that he had no control over your choice because you cut him off. I actually talked to my ex once since the breakup and we agreed that it was the best thing if my mind was absolutely set on suicide. Its like going off to war on a suicide mission, you say your goodbyes and leave that life behind
I’m sorry to hear all that you’ve been through. And I’m proud of you for still being around. Forgive me for asking this, but do you really want to do this when you finally found someone you can love ? Of course its extremely difficult to not drag the people around you down sometime, yet if they stay, its their choice to stay, and it means you mean a lot to them. I won’t say it will be less difficult over the time, but embrace the little moments that give reason to stay around. You have someone to go out with, watch a movie, get lunch, or just sit in the park with, honding hands. The road of healing is definitely not easy, and it takes quite some while. Both time and effort needs to be invested, yet it might yield something worth fighting for. Nowadays its hard to find someone to trust, and harder to keep them. Keep up the hope, you’ve come so far alone, now that you’re not alone it might be harder, but the time you can enjoy and share with someone will be valuable.
I wish you the best, whatever you may choose. Stay strong.
I think the best thing would be to blip out; one day drive off into the distance, and then never come back. That’s what I’m working on, because if my body is found my wife and family will suffer more pain. If not, they can suppose I dropped off the grid and fled to South America. Meanwhile my corpse is miles from any humans who might care, fertilizing the forest and doing more good than I can do alive.
heartlessviking i agree with you in theory but if your married wont it cause a legal and financial nightmare for them if you just vanish? when i read the news about a missing husband/wife it sounds like the family goes thru living hell searching for years, spouse cant remarry, finances left messy (no life insurance payout), etc and when a body is finally found they say its a relief. maybe if thats your plan you could somehow leave legal proof of your death so they have closure?
I barely have life insurance, and the only positive financial asset, my home, would be left to my wife, the bank might make her sell it, but that would set her up okay. I agree it’s a sticky wicket, not an enjoyable experience for those I leave behind. The thing is; I’ve seen death. I wish I hadn’t, because it is the most heartbreaking experience in the world watching someone you love become a *thing*. If possible, I don’t want anyone to see the shell I leave behind.
It’s interesting to me that men are more often fans of messy methods, and women tend to do cleaner methods. I’m nominally a man, but my oversized heart is why I have to die, so it probably isn’t a beneficial adaptation.
that’s good that she’ll have the house and yeah i totally get that you’re protecting her from a traumatic experience she’ll never get over. “watching someone you love become a thing” i get it. ive seen it too. it’s like suddenly they transform into a rubber prop. your brain cant process it. and you can never get that image out of your head. does it make a difference if its messy or clean? idk. maybe if its real messy like burning then it wont be recognizable and that may spare some of the pain? i have no idea. but yoyu’re right it’s interesting how statistically men choose violent ways while women choose peaceful ways. i guess its the whole mars/venus thing who knows