i didn’t bother to fix grammatical mistakes

It feels strange. Being ready. Ready to do it. It’s strange because I feel calmer. Because I know that whatever is going to happen in the future won’t matter…because I won’t be here, I won’t be there to see it, to feel it, to experience it. I won’t be there. So it’s nice. It’s calm. Because the time I’m dreading won’t come, I choose for it not to come.

I feel bad though. I do. For my grandma. She always talks about how she wants to die because it’s so hard for her, and I know that out of anyone she is the one that really does love me. So I feel bad because she might pass away because of me, because of the pain that she’ll feel, the sorrow. I always thought I’ll kill myself when she’s gone, but I cannot wait anymore, I’m sorry. I also feel bad for my brother, he’ll miss me, probably. I can imagine his sad face when he’ll hear that he won’t see me again, in this world at least. Or his sad face when he’ll see my body in the coffin and ask mom why am I not moving, or opening my eyes, or breathing. Or why am I being buried in the ground, so far from him. I feel sorry for me, for dying a murderer. I will have taken someone’s life, that’s how I’ll die. I won’t be able to apologize for my sin. I feel sorry because I’m okay with it.

I know the reason why I’m doing this might be stupid for other people and not serious enough. And maybe it’s not. But I’ve been neglecting my feelings for so long, I’ve been pushing them away, burying them, saying that it’s stupid to feel a certain way. But it’s not though. My feelings are valid. They are. Why doesn’t anyone care about them though. Why don’t they. Why don’t they talk to me to ask me how I feel, but instead they decide for me. They are okay with it, they are excited about it, they like it, so to them it seems like I do too. But I’m screaming, I’m crying, I’m dying, I’m telling you yet you choose to not hear me. I can’t do this. My heart aches. It hurts so much I can’t breathe, it’s choking me. My feelings are valid and they’re overthrowing me. I keep pushing them away for you. Because I don’t want to be a burden to you, to anyone. I’m not protesting against your choices for me, even though my entire body, mind, soul, my entire existence is screaming against it. It’s screaming tell them, tell her; tell her you don’t want it and tell her what you do want, what you think would be right for you and why. I want to tell you so bad. But there’s that side of me that’s bittersweet. That I hate so much but also appreciate. The side that’s ‘’kind’’? at least trying to be. The side that doesn’t want to feel like a burden. The side that makes me neglect anything I want so that others might have what they want. The side that chooses to stay silent against the choices you made for me because it doesn’t want to cause you any more financial problems. The side that understands how hard it is for you, that feels for you. The side that knows that you would rather go in huge debt than have your daughter die. The side that isn’t able to process it enough, realise it enough. The side that gets it, but still doesn’t want you to go into debt and harden your life. The side that would rather move out of the picture and not cause any trouble. See, it’s bittersweet. It comes from a nice place, a kind one, but its ruthless. Because I’m keeping it all in, because I’m not saying anything I want to die because I don’t want to live the life you’re deciding for me. It’s not me. You are not me. What seems okay for you isn’t necessarily okay for me, when are you going to realise that. We are two different people. You said ‘’you’ll see how fun it’ll be, it’ll be your best years’’. But I cried, I bawled my eyes out in the bathroom because I didn’t think that way. The future which you were talking about didn’t excite me at all. I know myself. The kind of person I am, the kind of things I like, the kind of things that make me happy and make me anxious. I don’t like what you think I like. It makes me sad, it makes me not want to wake up. So no, I won’t have the time of my life even if it looks like I will to you, because we’re different, I’m not you. And I told you today I didn’t want to do a certain thing. I voiced my opinion; I spoke against it. I gave in for a minute to the side that keeps telling me to fight, to scream. I told you twice when we talked over the phone. There’s no way you didn’t realise I was upset because the silence was so loud. There’s no way you didn’t realise I didn’t like what you offered, because I told you I didn’t like it and then I stayed quiet. The atmosphere was dreadful, no way you didn’t sense it. But what happened after you came home? Ignored it. Not a word about that whole situation. You’re happy cause it’s sorted out, no more looking, no more searching, it’s good for everyone and it’s settled. Not for me though, and you know it. I am the only one who will be living it and funny enough I am the one hating it the most. Not a word from you though. It was like an elephant in the room when we were next to each other, yet you didn’t address it. And here I am, writing this, trying to push my tears away because it hurts so much. It hurts so much that you don’t care. Not even to talk to me. Talk to me, please. Is it so hard? Is it so hard to talk to me. I’m only human, just as you. You can tell I’m sad about it, I’m disappointed, so why aren’t you trying to discuss all the options and find something that works for both of us? To find a compromise? To see that I’m willing to work day and nigh to be able to make it happen. Why are you ignoring me when you’re the adult. i’m so angry. At myself, at the world, at god. Im so angry I want to tear my head off. I’m so angry and I’m so scared that I won’t be able to kill myself. I have a plan, I know how I’m gonna try to do it, but I’m so scared I won’t be able to follow through with it. I’m so scared I will have to live out the future I don’t want. Please give me strength, please. Please give me strength or weakness and courage to do it. I want to go so much I am so tired of feeling. Every time for so long now I want to go to sleep because I can’t take it being alive any longer, but at the same time I don’t want to go to sleep because that means I’ll just wake up and a new day will start. From the beginning. I’ll have to be alive for an entire day. I’m just done. Life isn’t supposed to be like this. It’s not. i know it’s not. I’d rather have nothing than this. And I don’t care anymore if in ten years I’ll be living the life of my dreams, I don’t care. It’s not worth it. It’s not worth going through this. I don’t want the life of my dreams anymore. I would rather choose to die. If I had a choice now to make: 1) click a button and you die now or 2) click a button and you’re automatically transferred to the time in your life where all your dreams have come true and you’re so happy. / I’d choose number one. I don’t care about being happy, about the future holding incredible things, about the hope. I want to go. I want to rest. I just want to rest. Even if no peace is waiting for me down there, that’s okay too. Even if there’s nothingness after you die, like a black hole type of thing, that’s okay as well. I would kind of prefer that to heaven. That’d mean that there’s nothing. Literally nothing. That feels like peace to me. Like rest. So quiet, so nice. I want that. I long for that. I hope you understand. Why I’m posting this whole thing here I don’t know. It’s a letter for me, for her, for everyone and anyone in my life. There’s so much more I’d like to say but it’s okay. I needed to vent for now I suppose. Or maybe I’m hoping someone will hear me. On here at least. No one hears me at home. I’m screaming and everyone’s pretending like they’re deaf. Maybe you on here are not. Maybe I’m hoping someone will hear my scream. If you read this far, thank you. At least you are listening. If no one reads this, it’s okay too, it’s nothing new; I’ll just go on unheard as I have for my entire life. Thank you for your attention and I’ll go now binge some Akatsuki no yona and pretend like I’m fine while all of my family sleeps. The special day is coming soon so might as well get some anime in until I can. Good night everyone <3

I spent almost an hour searching for the website where you post these rants…..i can’t find it. It’s like the world doesn’t want me to be heard . I guess this only proves my point. Proves that my choice is right. It’s the end for me. I have to do it

I keep writing these suicide letters yet I never actually use them. I keep writing and writing. For what? For what if I can’t seem to do it. Why can’t I, if I want to so bad. My blood is boiling, the urge is irresistible yet I sit still. Inside it’s like an ocean during storm, the waves are so high they could overflow cities, break buildings, yet on the outside I’m calm. My body doesn’t move, it doesn’t show. I wish it did. It would be easier if it did. Maybe that’s why I have the urge to end all of this, because I keep all of my feelings bottled up. It’s only going to last so long until it bursts open. But when? I wish today. Right now. It’s hard. Keeping it in. Wanting to let out but being unable to. I physically can’t do it. And I don’t know why. I don’t know what I have to do to be able to let it out. It’s stuck in there. It’s eating me alive. It’s dead. Dead silent. Hurting but numb. That’s how I feel. I am hurting so much that I’ve become numb. I don’t care anymore but I care so much. It’s like two separate people, two separate brains in one. One side is hurting and screaming and burning and crying while the other doesn’t care anymore; for all it knows hell can come, bones can break, the worst things ever can happen, it doesn’t care anymore because it doesn’t have the energy, the strength to care. Numb. Do what you want with me, I do not care anymore, it’s pointless. I’m, it’s worthless anyway.

The hope is gone now. And I will be too. Soon. You’ll see. For the first time in my life I will do this for myself. I never do. I always put myself second over everything. But I will be selfish. I deserve to be selfish. I sacrifice my happiness, my sanity for all of you yet none of you listen to me, talk to me. I will put myself first. Suicide is selfcare. For me it is. I think I’ve been unable to do it for so long because I cared so much about you and your life. I put you first. But if I’m selfish, I’ll be able to do it. I have to do it. because what’s waiting for me in a few days is inevitable now, and I refuse to experience it, so I must end it all. I must do it. I’m scared of the pain though. but I know how I’ll do it now. I just need to find the perfect place and the perfect time where you wouldn’t come. It will hurt, I know it will. I might suffer before I die. i might do it wrong. But I don’t care. I am ready to suffer. An hour of suffering for an eternity of nothing. It’s worth it. I’m ready. I went on a walk today, I said goodbye. To what made me somewhat happy, somewhat calm. The earth. The grass ever so green, the sun shining through the trees. The wind making my body shake, moving my hair. It was nice. I liked it. But I’m ready to give it up. Last night I said goodbye to the moon. It’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve seen in this world. It was a full moon. So bright almost like the sun. it was so beautiful. I cried. It allowed me to feel all the pain. It was like a scene from a movie: me standing there near the open window, half my body being practically outside. The weather was beautiful too, so warm for a night, and the soft breeze. The full moon up in the sky shining ever so brightly, the stars sparkling and reflecting on the tears that were on their way to hit the ground. It felt like magic. Like in a movie when the tears of the princess reached the dead person and he suddenly woke. It felt just like that. Like my crying was special, like that night was special. It sparked hope in my chest. That when I’ll wake up the next morning all will be okay. But life is not a movie. Instead of It all being okay I was welcomed with all of it crumbling even more. The last bit of hope I had was gone today. That’s why I didn’t want to go to bed last night, because I knew it would happen. I knew that today would be too late. And it is. That’s it. It’s over. Gone. I wanted it so bad, so much but because they didn’t talk, they didn’t listen, they didn’t care it’s gone today. It’s too late. And now what she chose for me without my consent is all I have. It doesn’t matter now even if she had a change of heart; there’s no choice anymore. Its done. Over. I wish I could go away just as fast as hope did. I am over it so much. Over life. It’s too much. What the hell is this. I freaking hate it. What a waste of time, a waste of energy, a waste of oxygen. A waste of everything. I don’t think I was supposed to be born. There’s no way the whole point of me was so I could feel the suffering. That’s cruel. Please let me do it. Let me be strong or weak enough to do it. Let me do it right. I don’t want to be found when I’m half dead. I want to be found when my body’s cold. When once you see it you know it’s too late, You know there’s no hope. I don’t want you to have hope when you see me because I know too well what it feels like to have it taken away from you. So don’t come. For your own sake do not come. For once do something for me Let me do it in peace. Let me do it in pain. Let me go.