Life has always felt overwhelming to me. I have on and off struggled with suicidal thoughts for about 15 years. Often I don’t have thoughts of suicide but just a strong feeling of wishing I was dead. That I didn’t have to deal with life anymore. That someone will hit me while I’m driving in my car or I’ll get sick. Life just seems so hard for me. It’s always been that way. On the outside I’m a high achiever but internally even the smallest things, just functioning as a “normal” adult, feel like so much work. I feel like the world we live in so shitty. I’ve always felt like an outsider with societal norms. Today my wife said that I’m always so negative which sent me into a spiral. I am stuck in a job that I HATE and it’s hard to stay positive. I’m stuck there because I signed a contract that doesn’t expire until December 2022. I signed that contract because my wife and I both agreed that financially it was in our best interest. I’m the primary breadwinner and at the time of signing the contract my wife was working a job they hated…actually a series of terrible jobs with lots of job instability. Now they have a job they love and, while I want them to be happy, it really sucks that (1) I’m stuck in a job I hate and (2) they have the nerve to give me a hard time for being negative. I’m feeling a mixture of anger and sadness right now. No matter how far I come or what I achieve, I always fall back into this place of feeling like what is the fucking point. Life doesn’t feel good. There are glimpses and small moments of joy but overall I’m working my ass off at a job I hate to barely pay the bills. It all just seems so pointless…
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3 comments
There is a part of me that envies your willpower, to hold on through that is more than I could do. I know, because I didn’t.
Then there is the part of me never wanting to go back, which is the dominant part these days. I shut that door, mourned the career that I realized had to die, and now am working on what is next, which is me taking a gender unpopular job, being the housekeeper. So what? I couldn’t ever work a job long enough to justify the expense of job hunting.
Everybody has their expectations, but you make the choice whether to chase them or not. It is my feeling that if the economy isn’t helping, then it isn’t practical to work. Yes, there will always be more to buy, more bills and so on and so on. The thing is; as long as you are spending all of your energy holding onto a job that isn’t working, you’ll be in over your head.
I don’t have any advice here. Just that I’ve been trapped, and it took a day so awful I would have rather become homeless and destitute than continue working for that employer. Regrets? Sure, but not leaving that soul crushing job.
<3
Do the bare minimum to cruise by at work.
You will either be fired – fuck that contact! – or be promoted.
Or perhaps your employer will readjust their expectations, at which point you just lower the bar again.
Good luck!