Can’t Get it Out

I find it hard even beginning to type because I feel like I’ve gone over this so many times to myself. I can’t get over a betrayal that happened 10 years ago. I’m married to the person who betrayed me, and have been for 6 years now. We’ve been together for about 9 years I guess. The whole thing just makes me feel like a worthless piece of shit, and I’m afraid there is no remedy for it. I’ve tried time and time again to just erase it, but I cannot forget, and I most certainly cannot forgive. I just don’t have it in me, so perhaps my suffering is my own stupid ass fault.

I met my spouse through our work, and had one of those lust at first sight moments. Up until that point, I had never been in a relationship with anyone, and had little desire to. In my head during that point I was “coming to terms” with myself that I probably would be alone for the rest of whatever little life I had left. I dropped out of school because I couldn’t afford it, and my mom took all of my student loan refund money, so I couldn’t buy books. I couldn’t afford car insurance or gas, with the previous job I had, so I started to sell my things, and acquire late payment fees for things I couldn’t pay for. I was rocking a track phone, and didn’t have shit for anything in my possession. I was living in my moms unfinished basement on an old moldy smelling futon. It was probably a lot better than other people I’m sure, but I can’t help but ***** about it like a little whine ass. Anyway, I saw my future spouse to be, and with my low self esteem I automatically felt like they could never be interested in me. I was wrong in a sense. A couple of weeks after working together, they sent me their phone number over Facebook messenger. I can’t remember my excitement, but I’m sure I had butterflies. I know it was almost hard to believe. We ended up texting, and sometimes talking nightly. We ended up having nicknames for each other too in a short period of time. I felt like I was walking on air. Then as soon as it started, it just stopped. Complete radio silence, and if I did get a message, it was brief.

I fell back into a slump when I asked one of their work friends about it, and was told they were talking to someone else instead. I basically fell into a pretty rough patch of self destructive behavior. About a month later I get a text from them late at night asking “What’s up”. I responded with a short answer, and thought to myself in my head that I wasn’t going to bother. I know I called them out for the bullshit, saying that they were leading me on. They persuaded me against that, and we ended up dating; or so I thought. I found out later that a whole year into what I thought was our relationship, they were chatting it up (sexting/phone calls/potentially etc.) with other people. I should have known that them not becoming the esteemed “Facebook official”, until much later was a bad sign. There were also other instances that I won’t bother to dive into that were red flags. I was just so fucking happy that I decided to be ignorant.

They ended up proposing to me later during a fight and I said yes…(yes I am that pathetic). I just couldn’t deal with the idea of losing them. The worst part, the fight was over finding a text conversation they were having with someone that tried to get with them previously. A little over a year later, and a week before the wedding, I find an image of someone they saved from time that we were dating, and I also find another set of sexually charged conversations from that time as well with another person. I almost called the whole thing off, but having sank so much money into the whole wedding affair, I felt that I deserved to be married to someone who was unfaithful, because I’m a fool. I went along with it.

Everything had been going fine for many years past that point in a sense, as they seemed to be 100% open with me after all of that bullshit. The relationship was never the same though, and I honestly don’t really know anything about how I really feel towards them. Some days I love them, and some days I hate them, but its never as deep as I know I remembered before finding out about all of the cheating. I always felt like there was something more, and still do. In 2018, on what I thought was our first date anniversary, I finally got the information that I thought I wanted to know. I lied to get it to, ensuring them that I would be okay, that I just wanted to know so that I didn’t feel like I was in the dark. They told me that they hooked up with someone that was causing a huge rift in our relationship when were first got together; not the person they had told their friend about, as previously mentioned. This was one of our work supervisors. The person was literally a bug up our asses, and I never understood why my spouse never told them to get lost.

Well I found out why that night. They had gone out for drinks with them, and got what they said was black out drunk. They remembered hooking up with them in a sense, and felt horribly the next day about it. When I initially asked, I was only told that they hooked up with them, and I flew off the fucking handle. I ended up bruising myself up pretty bad, and destroyed one of the walls in our house from punching it so many times. My arms were basically black and blue for almost two weeks. It was a mess. After I had calmed down, they told me about it being while they were drunk, so I honestly don’t know if they are being legit about it, but out of not wanting to come off as insensitive, I’m trying to look at it as an assault on them. That is what they claim it to be, and they seem genuine about it. They even sent the person an email calling them out in a sense, and said they would do whatever they could to ease my suffering from the fact that I was lied to.

I can’t help but feel that there is something off about it. That me getting this information shouldn’t have been a trigger for them to do something about it. That their fear of me leaving is the only reason why they cared to take action. Now back to something I mentioned earlier, the photo of the person they saved, was of the person who allegedly assaulted them.

I really do not know how to tackle that part.

I also learned that for almost a year into our relationship, that I was just considered a “friends with benefits” to them. That they didn’t initially feel bad about talking to other people while being with me because of that fact. The issue is, I was never told. To be fair, I guess, I kind of knew, but I never wanted to admit it to myself because I thought it would destroy me realizing that I was just someone’s easy lay. They also didn’t make it feel that way. They got me birthday gifts, and we went out and did things together…I guess that’s the “friends” part of it. A lot of people at our work believed we were dating too, and would always ask me what the two of us were up to and what not.

In any case, I always find myself coming back to this. I can’t sleep. I will stop eating. I’ve basically turned into an alcoholic. I still feel like there is something being kept from me. I just hate myself. I hate that I constantly have to think about this, and I can’t help but feel its my own damn fault, because of my shitty self-esteem. I hate myself. I don’t even want to look in the mirror anymore because I just feel like a shell of a human. I don’t feel like my relationship is genuine. I don’t feel like my life is genuine. I don’t know how my spouse can ever make it up to me. They have been faithful I guess, I’m not sure if I really even know, but I have to force myself to believe that. I’m not sure when they’d have the time. They are always around me, and want to be around me now. I just wish I had been worth it initially, and now it just eats away at me. I’ve tried to get over it, and I can’t. I just keep getting further and further in a place I can’t get out of. I love them, and I hate them, and myself.

I find myself all the time believing that it was me who should have died and not my older brother. My mother always liked him better anyway. He probably would have faired better. I’m just a fucked up loser.