Well, those of you have been following (…yeah right) know my wish was to try and force myself to plan before November 15th, disappear into an endless expanse some time later and be completely gone before December kicked in.
Circumstances have…forced my hand otherwise for now. I will go live in Paris with a friend for the moment. Paris, my personal hell. Grey city of grey people, dead-eyed bureaucrats and thieves scuttling about like diseased worms under the vacuous light of their multi-storied totems of greed and grime. There is no outdoors there just the cage. Ugh I know suck as a writer but just thinking about the place makes me sick, just being there is revolting. All my life I’ve made countless choices on the sole basis “as long as it’s not in Paris”. Now that I’m at my lowest I finally fall into the trap, I can almost appreciate the tragic touch. I’ve been to shanty towns and godawful third-world backwater dumps in my life and yet that city is still the worse place in my mind without hesitation.  It should burn and burn and burn. Guess who’s not going to go out of his apartment much.
Suicide has become too impractical for now. Too many eyes will be on me. Not to mention having a flat mate that gives a bit of a shit about what I’m doing will require going through great strain hiding my feelings.
Time is still ticking for me, my money will still only last up to February/March, my mind is still being slowly gnawed by whatever this neurosis is and my friend…well…even though he we’ve known each other for about 20 years and been friends for 15 since my mind snapped about 2 months ago a barrier of sorts was  raised I find him increasingly irritating and harder to relate to with each day that passes.
Maybe in January, God knows that place will erode my will to live. I am trying to live. If I must go I’ll go with a clearer concience at least.
I’ve been thinking a lot of my love lately. I guess the mind tries to endure by hanging on to the good times. She once scolded me thus: “You came to this country expecting to get by just on love and dreams, you know that’s not enough” . Back then I just fibbed a little and muttered in agreement. I still wonder what I should have told her.
Love and dreams, seems so long ago now.
I wish I could just go, escape. Walk under cover of the night wherever my strength takes me. Want to come? We would go and learn not to die, but to live and maybe be free for a little while.
I know it won’t happen but I can dream a little.
Instead I will drag my body to the grey city, the lament of the defeated as my only company:
“I wish things had turned out differently”
I know loneliness is my punishment for my weakness, always has been, always will be. It’s just feels so disproportionate sometimes.
I will live for a bit longer.
4 comments
Thats the first time I’ve heard of Paris discribed like that, never been there and tell the truth it’s never been on any wish list of places I’d like to go.
All cities have a dark side, a cespool that people shouldn’t go.
There are many places I’ve dreamed of going, Rome, Athens, Budapest, Istanbul, Cairo, Buenis Areas, Madrid, Bangkok,
Yet those are just dreams from the past, no way to get to them.
I hear used rifles are cheap to buy in France. You can get one that’s only been dropped once. 🙂
I don’t know your whole situation but am I right to say that you hate your roomates and your running out of money because you don’t have a job? It sounds bad and I was also very stressed and pissed off when I lost my job so I could go to school. Just think of how much better your life will be when you have a job, any job. I think that you would be less financially stressed and feel better about yourself. Suicide will not stop your pain, it would just create more grief. And there’s too much sadness in the world already. Ask your roomates and everyone you that your looking for a job. Be confident and use every day as another to be happy, because you know you that you are stronger every sunrise.
You can hang out in the Centre Pompeidu, wouldn’t that be nice? Or Pere Lachaisse… (sorry my spelling is abysmal)
I’m glad you’re with your friend and I think you can try to enjoy paris a little bit… the good thing with big cities is that it’s never all the same culture, there are always little subcultures you can escape to, so there might be some solace there.
I have a friend who is an artist, she had some work showing at the new Centre pompidu they built outside of paris. Might be a nice day trip?