i shouldve checked.

the beginning of august last yea,r i had a suicide attempt, i had the gun in the fleshy part of my jaw beneath my head, andi pulled the trigger to just realize the safety was on. ive had 2 or 3 attempts but ive been feeling a fourth coming on, i missed a halloween party last night, i know how silly it sounds to be here for a hallowen party but there is constnatly shitty things going on, i missed the party becase of shitty planning with my friend and her friends. one of which had no way to contact either of us, i messaged the one who couldnt contact us multiple times but it wasnt until after the party i found out they dont have the messaging app installed anymore, their account exists still however, i had forgotten about the second friends includion in the plans and forgot tot ry messaging her, anyways, i decided not to go, i had a stomach ache that was killing me and i just felt miserable, until my best friend and every other person was apparently there, ive missed out on so much this week, for reference im a junior in highschool, but only 15, ive skipped the 3rd grade and am in the international baccalaureate program, i cant drive, and the friend without the messaging app was supoposed to take us, i had decided i wasnt going because my stomach but immeadiately regretted it once id seen a picture from the party, its my own fault i missed it and im so fucking tired of missing out on thigns for my age, all my childhood i was the wierd one, ive been diagnosed with cptsd, mpd, and anxiety and shitty planning is always the death of me i just wanted to go to a fucking party, this was one of my last chances, i just want to be normal i just want ot be normal i just want other people to think im fucking normal.