Ways To Disappear

It’s been a while since I was last here. I never thought I would return to post anything again, not that there’s something wrong with it, I guess I just never felt like I needed it – either that or I just kept my mind busy for long enough.
Either way, it seems like not much has changed over the past few years. I’m in a different place (physically), surrounded by different people, yet the feeling of loneliness that creeps around is the same as always. I can’t say for sure if I really ever progressed, but deep down I feel like I’m stuck on the same place I’ve been for the past 9 (or so) years. Like, things seemed to get better for a while, but I got dragged down by someone who I cared for a lot, and ever since then everything has been falling apart.
But for a while now I’ve been considering going somewhere else, away from everything and everyone I know (yeah, so original, I know), but right now I’m old enough to be able to do something like that, and I think I can afford it. Thing is, I don’t know where to start, and I’m pretty sure this takes like, A LOT of planning. But to be quite honest, I think that’s the only way I’ll ever feel right again. Just being around the same people for so long is draining me. I feel happy for the people that surround me, but a big part of me feels… jealous? I can’t quite describe it, but it’s a feeling of wishing I had what they have, because everyone around me has things that I could never have, that I could never experience, or feel, or live. And that’s the thing. I feel like I’m being left behind, and by sticking around the same people, it will be like a constant reminder of everything I was never able to do, of everything I was unable to experience, of all my failures and all the things I had to keep to myself, because no one else would empathize with me.
So that’s why I want to leave. I just want to merely exist without feeling like I’m just on the background of everyone else’s life. I just want to go on without comparing myself with every single person I’ve met, because even if I have accomplished something, it never feels enough, and seems like people just take it for granted.
So, yeah, that’s pretty much it. I guess there’s no harm in trying, I mean, eventually I’m gonna be forgotten by everyone else who’s in my life right now. It has happened before, it always happens. So why not, just for the sake of changing things up, I become the one who leaves everyone else behind? Just to know what it feels like the other way around. And then, who knows? Maybe I’ll discover why every single person I’ve ever met has decided to cast me away, like I’m just a worthless piece of trash.
Or maybe I am just that. I don’t know it anymore.