No one around me will understand

It’s similar, what I’ve been dealing with for a long time. I know exactly what I would want, if I had the resources to get there. Right now I’m focused on resource acquisition.

Making the best of the situation, which is not particularly appealing, is all I’ve got anymore. Dying is a lot of work, at least to end things on my terms. Making the best I can out of what I’ve got, well it keeps me eating and taking care of my body, which is enough.

Right now if I can manage a meager income, and start saving to move somewhere better, that’s a step in the direction I want to go. My dream is to have my current standard of living, without being dependent on others. I’ve got heat in the winter, cool in the summer, and I don’t go hungry. Within reason, I am allowed some small luxuries.

Now if I could just get rid of enough of my debt that people would leave me alone, that would be splendid. Other people cannot be counted on, in regard to desires of the heart. I had this fantasy that I could do work that matters AND survive…. and that just isn’t a thing anymore.

If it is any comfort; the actual economics of being anything at this point are really awful unless you are independently wealthy. You mentioned doctors, I know a few. They do okay, but most are in more debt than I can wrap my head around. They are entirely counting on their job remaining stable for at least 20 years. The economics of that specifically are so terrible, that being a UPS driver makes more money.

It’s much the same with any job people want to do. People do them out of passion, and don’t stand up asking for decent pay or benefits.