Guilt

My family loves me so much and the idea of them having to deal with my suicide is the one thing that has kept me from killing myself for years. I know how lucky I am to have people who care about me and who love me but I don’t think I can go on like this. The idea of causing them that level of pain literally turns me into a sobbing panicking wreck but I don’t know what other option I have. I can’t keep going like this. I want to drive them away from me. I want no one to love me and then I’ll be able to kill myself without anything holding me back. And I feel like absolute fucking shit for how ungrateful I seem and for still feeling as awful as I do when there are so many people who have no one and still manage to go on. I am writing notes in my head but I don’t know what I can possibly say that would make it better for them. I would always tell myself “Once I achieve X I’ll be ok,” “Once I get Y I’ll be ok” and it doesn’t happen. Nothing helps me and I’ve been like this for years and there is no way out of this.