I’m not really depressed. I am preparing. I do not have a purpose. I feel useless. Anxiety. I’m single with no children and I have no family. I have no support structure. I’ve tried reaching out. My friends are too self involved. I have nothing to fall back on. Impending doom and hopelessness. All I want is to work hard and have a modest life and to have purpose but it always slips away from me. I am high-functioning autism. That’s all. I’m not lovesick or lonely. I’m stable, selfless and caring. I rarely even get angry. I’m a decent person and I treat people well but I’m invisible. I may lose everything I have due to a work injury that I’ll mostly recover from but I don’t see a way out. I’m trying to prepare to exist beyond this but it’s becoming so difficult. All I’ve ever wanted was a little security. To feel useful and be needed. I care too much in a world where nobody really cares at all.
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This one hit me where I live, it’s a similar hopelessness. I spent most of my life trying to help people, trying to make a career of it in psychology. I realize now…. it was a much bigger problem than I ever knew, and that the organizations that were willing to claim to be interested in dealing with the problem were really there to keep things the same.
I think there is a strong case for compassionate suicide, for anyone with a heart that hurts to see suffering. There’s no hope [yet seen], so what are we going to do? I really want to know… because there isn’t any way forward.
I’ve studied a bit of psychology for various reasons…. early, to understand why I am different and how my atypical high functioning autistic mind works, later to understand others and then for parapsychology, so as to eliminate root issues investigating unexplainable events. I’ve had traumatic heartbreak as well as was given the decision by my mother if she should receive medical or comfort care. So I deeply understand clinical depression. I know I’m not coming from a place like that.
I would move somewhere I could to dedicate myself to help others, but that is only a luxury for those that can afford to do so. It’s primarily a position of authority and power, not really one of giving and compassion that we have in modern societal structure. Perhaps, with organized religion it’s always been like this in more modern times.
Even if I gave up everything that change might soon force upon me, the societal net that should exist doesn’t. Eventually I may be stripped of everything but life, but there is no dignified path. Perhaps I should have been a homesteader in past ages or join some cult or commune. The desire and motivation to help isn’t rewarded without the means.
I believe I’ve attained enlightenment and I have accomplished what I consider my life’s most important goal. It seems there is no place for me, no means to escape being useless and unnecessary. I agree, it should be my choice to leave and have assistance to finish the journey with compassion or want for real alternative that doesn’t require me to solely focus on myself.
The lack of support structure is often the culminating factor in a person’s decision to end their life. There was a bridge in South Korea called the ‘Mapo Bridge’, a lot of people had jumped off it to end their lives. Eventually there was a public service campaign to try to deter people… Positive images and photos of happy families, couples, messages and even a statue were displayed all over the bridge. In the year that followed suicides from the bridge increased by 600%.
I’ve read about about that bridge. I can understand why. There is no real path for the lost to follow. I have never been able to find the journey to fulfillment and I’ve tried. Perhaps it’s because I’m autist. There is no real selfless path without being able to produce the means to accomplish it. Perhaps if you’re young, there is the Peace Corps or other similar entities, if there are still such things. Volunteering is charity not a self sustaining way of life. I’m just broken in ways I can not deal with anymore. There is no longer the ‘village’.