It all seems so big in the moment

feeling like i am about to explode
so i can’t sleep
the pressure of everything
collapsing in on me
things i haven’t done
no one taught me
i can’t seek out everything
when i don’t know how

do i think that people would remember me
a year after i stop existing?
outside of my family
i think my friends would forget me
not that i have many
a lot of buddies
but not many who would shed tears
because after being isolated all this time
no one tried to have a real conversation
only texts for contact tracing

i had a good talk at the end of it now
but even she left early
i couldn’t express my gratitude
and if i did
would she appreciate it
would i cave in and express
how i have felt
how she has done no wrong
but i still blame her somehow
for not talking to me before
for seeming so distant

i realize how vapid it is
everything in the world seems
like something major in the moment
opinions and causes people believe in
they don’t really matter when you think
there is just what there is
and right now what there is for me is suffering
but only if i think about it
probably better to remove the thinking then
i could get rid of it
but i can’t stop thinking of the implications
i don’t want to die
i would rather live forever
but i know it’s coming eventually
so it occupies my mind
death will leave me never