I’ve dreaded for so long to post something anywhere because I genuinely believe that nobody gives a f*** about other people. I’m posting now because I’m tired of talking to myself about this.
I was always an introverted person (only a little shy though). Growing up I had good grades and a bit of a harsh environment from my parents. I do believe they did the best they could but oh boy my mom’s personality is something you need to hire someone to understand why is she the way she is. Anyways, you’ve clearly seen that I not only have mom issue but also dad issues due to his lack of showing love either physically or with words. In recent years with therapy I come to understand better both my parents and why they are who they are, which relieved some pain as to things that happened when growing up.
Fast forward to my 20s, I got married early at 21, and since I’ve seen my parents and people around me marrying for love, that’s what I went for and what I was thinking was the situation when I committed. A few months after marrying my ex-wive now only was interested of the better life that I was providing, even though I didn’t have any money, she grew very poorly. So after a few months into marriage things went awry due to her change of perspective of our marriage. This brought my moral down. In terms of work, I was doing something that I quite didn’t like it. All of these things happening I started to feel more and more depressed each day. I would call in sick of work and just stay in bed. This would happen quite often through the year.
Fast forward a bit more, 2 years into marriage I got tired of emotional abuse. I was taking only anti anxiety only for emergencies). One day we had a big fight and I took a bunch of anxiety pills, because I never felt any effect when I only took one pill. That day I took them in the morning, then went (both me and my ex-wive) to have lunch at my parents and before lunch I just blacked out in the sofa. I don’t know how long I was out by thinking about it I wish I could be in that peace again. A few months after this happened I was so tired of it all that I really needed to take action. I started psychotherapy and taking anti depressants. I during this process, within one month I decided to end things and get separated. I got a lot better right after and after 6 months of being separated I was not taking anti-depressants anymore. I was fired (well I was a temp and the contract ended but with my absences I knew they wouldn’t hire me for sure) right after a bit after starting the therapy. I got a new job a month later in a call center. I know the work itself is terrible, but it was so good for me because I met new people and made new friendships so it really helped to clear my mind of the past. My ex wive didn’t want to sign the divorce so I had to hire a lawyer and that took 2 years to get done. In the end this whole part of my life was behind me. Today a few years after, I’m not in the call center anymore, I have a good job that pays more than I really need. I moved to another country for this job and I have family here which I see sometimes. I now have a comfortable life. I struggled with anxiety about the future, if when I get old how I would live. That doesn’t seem to matter anymore anyways.
For the past 2 years or less I have been feeling depressed again, I live alone for the past 4 years now and with Covid I don’t see my colleagues nor the few friends I made here. I sometimes get messages or send messages to my friends back at my home country. I do visit also once a year normally.
TLDR
I’m tired again. I feel depressed. I don’t want to take any anti depressants pills anymore. I don’t think it’s worth it. I tried to counter this feeling of emptiness by finding a new partner but like I said in the beginning, people are selfish. I was not getting even half of the love that I was placing in the relationship (and I can see the irony in this of my own selfishness). I don’t want to try again but I do feel lonely. Currently I live alone and tackle my melancholy with games or music or tv shows or movies. I rarely leave the house because I start to have panic attacks and feel like I’m being watched. I did therapy last year again to try to debunk this feeling and some other stuff. I do go out for grocery shopping only. I don’t take walks, maybe 2 times a year. I don’t want to live anymore. I don’t think there is any purpose in life. I thought of suicide, but my fear of getting hurt is what it is stopping me. Other painless ways I thought of have their risks too and I don’t want to complicate my families lives if I would try that and it didn’t work and they had to take care of me somehow. For now, I guess I have to be content with being functional depressed person with the sporadic joys that life rarely brings.
I hate people, I hate working with people. Everyone seems to purposely try to damage others (in every possible way) to make them feel superior. I hate it all. I wish this could all be over. Currently I’m in the phase that if I would find a new partner that these feelings will be gone. But who am I kidding. Sure the “honeymoon” phase would be very good and the dopamine would be kicking in every time we would be together. But that would end anyways. I don’t have faith anymore in life.
For what it is worth, thank you for reading this and I hope you have the life you want to.
2 comments
I care, it’s my stumbling block, why I have struggled financially for most of my life. At the point I am now, caring professionally is not something I can manage anymore. I divorced my ex wife at age 22, so I know some of that pain. Now I’m wondering if I had been given better drugs at the time if it would have dragged out, I don’t think there was any saving it.
After losing that, I decided to rewire myself. I passionately loved my ex, such that losing her was the most painful thing I have ever experienced, and that has held now twelve years later. For the past twelve years I’ve devoted myself to my professional development, and now it would appear that is over too.
I was raised Christian, but I find myself becoming more Taoist/Buddhist as time goes on. Attachment itself is a source of pain. A little is nice, a lot will kill you. I remarried, and I care for her as much as I am able. Every day I tell myself it may be my last, the same with everyone else I care about. I innoculate myself against loss by anticipating it.
I don’t think a person can fix the emptiness inside, not alone. It takes a nuanced approach, and probably some good drugs into the bargain. Which is why I go back to the doctor when my drugs aren’t helping. So far that works, I eat, sleep, and function as much as I feel capable.
I know exactly where the exit is, in every situation. My hand is always metaphorically on the door, because I have no trust. I care about other humans, have been fascinated by them, but also betrayed, traumatized and hurt. There are other kinds of love, and I think with age we need the non romantic kind at least as much as any other.
Which isn’t to say I have confidence in my situation being predictive or helpful towards yours. Rather to say; we’re all fighting our inner demons. Some of us are willing to be more honest about it than others. If you post and I am able to respond, I probably will. I care, but only such that I answer when people need me. I can’t proactively care anymore.
Someone out there probably needs you, just as people seem to need me. It’s baffling, but as I said at the outset; we’re wired for it.
I get it, and I’ll stand tall to support you, as you will for others. It’s all we can do.