Im 52 and Im losing the battle

I’m male
I’m married to a caring woman who doesn’t really know.
I’ve always felt hurt.
Everyone in my life has left me behind at some point.
Family, Friend.
I’ve managed to hold back the nothingness for so long.
I like the pain because it lets me feel.
I lost all the children I tried to conceive.
I lost all the children I raised.
My parents told me that they never wanted me.
I feel like I don’t have any right to complain.
My body is starting to break down.
My joints hurt.
I feel physical pain every day now.
I know that my depression is like waves and it will get better.
But I’m getting tired and I’m not sure I want to fight anymore.