So long ago. So much lost. Here I am searching for posts that probably don’t exist. A memory of 10 years ago. But here I am again. Searching for the connections that made me feel whole – the connections that made me feel anything. So many years later and I can’t forget those that meant everything to me. The one opportunity to have someone understand, it meant anything. So many people – some don’t want to talk to me, others died, others lost to time. I can’t forget. I was always here…
I was always loyal, I would always aim to be there. I know I got in the way of some, and I’ll never forgive myself, but I wish it wasn’t this way. To some, it’s like I’m a reminder of the pain… I never wanted that. I thought our conversations helped… To know my existence causes pain, is undescribable. I am glad to see you’ve moved on at least.
I see my old posts, I see the pain I had. I can’t believe my parents are still in my life. I know they suffered but I can’t forget, I won’t. They made me want to die.
The emptiness doesn’t go away. The emptiness changes and it moves but it doesn’t leave. I don’t want to accept a part of me is gone but I know it is. I know that every time I look at those I love, I can’t love them the same.
The preservation astounds me… I couldn’t dream that my thoughts from 10 years ago would be here, safe and untouched. I thought they would be gone forever.