I want love

Let’s start by saying obviously I have family that loves me. I’m also fortunate enough for the friends I do have who really care for me. But they’re not with me every night I go to bed. Trying to sleep as the feeling of loneliness eats me alive inside. I do have my pet cat who keeps me company during these restless nights when he feels like it, and I’m grateful for that. I wish I had a girl who would be there through my suffering, and possibly see the good in me even when I can’t. As much as it would give me hope, I feel it would be selfish of me to include her in my black hole of joy and direction-less life. I don’t deserve such kindness, but I can’t stop myself from desiring it. It doesn’t matter anyways, I’ve tried before. Once they see how I really feel about life they want nothing to do with it, and I don’t blame them. Cursed with not wanting to be alone, but knowing it’s better for everyone else that I am alone.
As much as I reach out on social media, it feels meaningless. No one actually cares, if they do interact they just say the least amount to feel like they’ve helped and not actually invest any further. Saying “it’ll get better” is the most useless thing ever, it’s almost dismissive in a way. There’s no guarantee things get better, in fact just the opposite. The only guarantee is everything will decay and die. End on a happy note so they say