It’s getting hard

Sometimes i feel like i can’t do this anymore. I have a lot of issues, i know but how do they all stem from one point? I have been suffering with weight issues for a long time now, since 4th grade. And i can’t lose it no matter how hard i try. Because of that i compare myself to everyone, like “Look at her, she’s skinny and so beautiful” or “why can’t i look like that?” That comparing of looks and weight turned into me comparing myself to others about intelligence. When i don’t understand something i freak out and beat myself up for not understanding. Like i know i can’t understand everything, and that i can’t and won’t always be on top of my class but i hate it when i’m not. I don’t want to sound snobby but i can’t help but feel this way, i was a gifted kid for so long and then i got a phone. I lost everything, my attentions span, my love for reading and i lost myself and how i act. I hate it, i hate it so much. I can’t help but hate myself. I know that alot of people say that but i can feel better about myself, even if i tried. And again, it all stems from my weight because that has been with me for years, so much now that ‘m concerned for my health. I just don’t know anymore and i don;t know how to get help or who to talk to. I want to be better i just don’t know how.
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