*T/W*
*Background: You come from a very religious and cultural family, who are nothing more than narrow-minded people. You’re the oldest child, a first-generation American, and a female. Your parents are emotionally immature and don’t know how to handle their emotions well. Your father has anger issues and isn’t afraid to get violent. Your mother has a problem not knowing when to shut up. You have a passive-aggressive relationship with them. On the outside though, you’re living the perfect life. You are the perfect A+ student, valedictorian of your grade, and winning many awards. You are a part of the popular kids, the crowd following you. You get into the best schools. Every aunt and uncle compare their child to you. You are the standard everywhere. You are always optimistic, bold, strong and the girl with the sweet smile. Oh but are you really? You are an emotional wreck. You despise yourself, and have been for the past 5 years. You’re no perfect student. You are a disappointment to your parents. You struggle to keep up. People just use you. No one actually is actually a friend. Everybody eventually gets bored of you. You try to be kind to others so that you can try to pretend you’re actually worth it. You have nothing figured out in your life. You have anxiety and suffer from panic attacks on the daily. You are emotionally and physically weak. You suffer from the traumatic memories of your childhood. You suffer from abuse. You have no freedom. You don’t have anyone to talk to. You’re lonely asf. You were bullied for everything. You have an E.D. You almost got raped. “Slut” “Whore” “if you don’t cover up, men will want to rape you” “my god are you trying to become a stripper” “haha men only want to use you” “who’s attention are you trying to get” all these comments when you haven’t done anything… or maybe they’re right? You are mentally ill. You cut yourself. You harm yourself whenever possible. But no one believes in mental illeneses. You need help*
So let’s say your emotionally immature religious mother found out about you being suicidal and then found out you harm yourself. She handles the situation horribly. “You? YOU? have problems? what kind? WHAT PROBLEMS? stop trying to get attention. People are starving half across the globe. and you’re here whining about this. DRAMA QUEEN? MAnipulator, *****, you’re worse than an animal. are you not ashamed? you have EVERYTHING? You have NO problems you whore”. She threatens to tell your father, someone you are very afraid of. She says that she’ll tell him but you get her to not. In exchange to not harm yourself. Obvi you don’t listen. So a couple of months go by… and then one night, after you’re father throws a tantrum and scares the shit out of you, you try to get away. Oh but that mother of yours comes to make matters worse. She bruises your arm and then the shouting, the sound of objects being thrown….now you’re trembling, hyperventilating.. it hurts, it hurts, you can’t think, you stumble to the ground, so you cut yourself on the broken chair near you. The blood’s dripping, and your arms covered in blood. Your mother screams and then goes and gets your father. Now you’re scared, the pain of the cut isn’t there anymore. Now you’re scared of him, trembling, petrified. He comes in and at the start loses his shit and kicks you. Your leg hurts. But then he sits down and looks calm. But you’re not. Then they drag you to the living room and give a 2 hr speech. You listen to none of it. They start crying, you don’t give a shit bc all the words coming out of their mouth is bs. The main gist of the speech was that you’re being ungrateful, a piece of shit and that no one gives a fuck about me.
Your father says “I don’t care if you go and kill yourself. I’m not afraid of anything besides God. Killing yourself is a sin, you have no right to kill yourself, bc God is the one who created you.”
You think to yourself “yeah you think i don’t know about that. What do you think I’ve been praying for since I was 8? To get a doll or something? let me tell you. I’ve been praying to that god of yours for some kind of fatal disease so that I could die and not be punished for being suicidal and killing myself. I’ve been praying to get hit by a car, to fall down the stairs, for you to push me so that I hit my head on the edge of the table and die.” You think that, but don’t have the guts to say it.
Your father continues, “It is the biggest sin possible, god will forgive you if you do anything else, but if you kill yourself, god will NEVER forgive you. You will burn at the depths of hell. No one will pray for you after you die. You’ll cause nothing but problems for everyone if you die. You’ll destroy this family and you will be held responsible for every problem after your death. Are you not ashamed? What will others think of you? WHat will you’re relatives think of you? Are you crazy? It’s the devil talking to you? You have no problems. We’re not parents. We have done NOTHING wrong. You are in the wrong. You fucked this up. You messed this up. You will gain nothing. Nobody cares. Not me. Not your mother, NOBODY”
The speech goes on and on…you’d rather get beaten and screamed at than listen to this.
Eventually, the speech ends… with your parents reminding you to make sure to cover up your arm so others don’t see
6 comments
Your situation sounds terrifying.
I am 38. I haven’t achieved any of the things you sound capable of. I too have been anxious and scared and depressed and alone.
But I am not at the moment. Or, at least it is manageable.
And although I, a bit like you, also had a troubled relationship with my parents, eventually I feel like they surrendered. So I don’t feel as controlled by them as I did.
I’m telling you this to try to give you some hope, despite that perhaps sounding ridiculous.
Not all people are like your parents.
What you are being subjected to sounds like abuse.
I think you need serious help to get away from that abuse.
Other people can put pressure on you, but please don’t pressure yourself to be perfect or keep up appearances. Those things aren’t actually important.
It is more important how you feel than what others think of you.
I hope so much you can escape and heal and get to know the wonderful person you are. If you need someone to talk to, let me know.
Thank you. At times hope does sound a bit ridiculous but it’s the only thing keeping me here so I try to believe in it. Abuse is really hard to come to terms with honestly. Because like a snowball it slowly starts getting bigger as it rolls down the hill. It’s hard to admit that you’re suffering especially when others around you don’t understand that it’s abuse. One day you’re smiling and having a good time with your family. But the next day, it’s a shithole. Out of everything that has happened, I will tell you that the worst feeling is having to walk on eggshells near your parent. Just having to pray that he’s in a good mood and that he won’t do shit again. Yeah lately though, I’ve been trying to let myself make some mistakes. Whether that be screwing up some questions on a test or losing a competition. It’s really hard to not go hate yourself after, but I’m trying. The hardest thing about emotionally immature parents is that you never get complimented or shown forms of affection/love from them. Therefore from a young age, all you’re trying to do is get them to praise you. With that type of mindset from a young age, it’s hard to break away from the thought that you have to be perfect in order to receive love. You constantly criticize yourself and think that you don’t deserve love. It kind of fucks up your childhood. You’re forced to grow really quickly which leaves you to realize you didn’t even have a childhood. Plus some people don’t understand that emotional abuse is still abuse and can fuck up someone. Also, let’s not forget the fact that some people don’t understand the difference between discipline and abuse. Well, nonetheless I’m glad that your own anxiety has become manageable. I can’t thank you enough for just replying.
I hate when people call suicide a sin. They don’t even care about helping others, just about status. I’m sorry you have to go through this.
Yeah that type of mindset sucks ass. I know a couple of people who have committed suicide, and all the people who knew them do is talk shit about that person. They laugh at the fact that people are depressed. Make it all a joke and invalidate the person. Nonetheless thank you.
As I was reading this I was like yes, yes, yes, sounds exactly right. I am in no way trying to belittle your experience or make it about me but I do relate. I do not know if you are looking for advice or just wanted to rant but if you are, get into a far-away university and move away from them, it will be the best decision you will ever make. Move away from them and you won’t have to deal with their bs unless you are visiting which is still very shitty but it is better than constantly. being there with them.
Yeah, that’s been the plan since day 1. I’ve been crafting an entire plan, from figuring out my housing situation to bills to the school. It sucks that this “whole plan” has pretty much consumed my entire childhood, but aye better prepared than not. Also considering you said you related to my life, you seem much more “experienced” per se? Like I don’t mean experience with abuse, I mean you seem much older than me and so I would appreciate some advice. Sadly I still have 4 more years till I can legally leave so advice would be appreciated.