constant confusion and battling life delete

im a rather fucked up human. my mind is terminally ill; BPD and some other stuff. everyday is more confusing. i dont even know why the only thing i want in life is to die. but that is the only thing i want. im functioning. or rather my shell is, meanwhile my emotions rule us with no control on my end to the point of being different personalities in moods. everything is pointless, nobody can change our mind on that. i understand some things on a incredible level, but cant force thoughts to work through everyday issues. the battles ive fought with myself and those living inside us to stay alive…. not for myself i can assure; im here for a few people who are giving me a reason to live and nothing the fuck else. due to my condition, a relationship is near impossible. hence, continuous loneliness with no end in sight. nobody understands me, and for good reason, we dont make any sense. i ask why i continue to endure the daily trial of being alive, why i keep pushing through the dissociation and trying to sort out the confusion. why do i keep trying to talk to the great spirit. nobody cares including it. everything is a scam, a cruel fucked up joke, which apparently we cant understand. actually i want two things: 1.to die obvs 2.answers, truth. to know what the fucks going on and why humanity is forced to exist and experience its horror.