I guess I just want to record this somewhere no-one can link it to me (not till after I’m gone, anyway).
I suppose I was probably happy as a child but I’ve been messing up big time since at least my mid teens. I let everyone down, repeatedly. I can’t be trusted, no matter how hard I try to be good. Everyone will be much better off when I’m gone. I’m divorced, two children, have a boyfriend but he won’t stick around much longer. I was single for a long time before I met him and I think life was probably easier with one less person to let down. Things aren’t going to get any better so next week when my children are safely away with family, I’m going to finally kill myself while no-one will look to find me.
My kids will be fine, they have my parents and their dad to look after them. One day they’ll thank me for getting out of their lives while they’re still young enough to recover from me.
1 comment
So very sorry it’s come to this.
I found it curious how you said you’ve been messing up big time since your mid teens, because at that age we simply aren’t mentally developed or wise enough to make sound decisions. I carried on making poor choices right the way through my 20’s and 30’s and am still more than capable of doing so. Mistakes are lesons, not a loss, it doesn’t matter how many you make or for how long, one day they WILL turn you into something better than you once were!
I strongly suspect your kids will miss you more than you could ever realise, but I understand that your mindset won’t allow you to see it that way.
Also, I would like you to know, now that I’ve read your post, how much I care, nomorehope722