ive been having these thoughts for a while now, (probably 1-3ish years. i know i should get help. please just. i don’t care. listen to me) and i have acted on them a few times. i feel stupid because my life is probably good compared to others’ (kinda hard to judge when youre biased) and i think im faking having depression though ive hidden it. why would i fake it if no one else cares or knows?
but either way ive tried to act on those thoughts but i never went through. im too much of a coward to tell others, or to even do minorly hurtful acts, or act on my feelings. im a fucking coward.
its stupid, but i display symptoms of insomnia, adhd and depression, but to me i dont deserve such a serious title(i don’t know either.)
i feel nothing anymore. nothing but anger. and i hide it. i dont know why. i dont care why.
“not breathing” doesnt feel like a big action any more. its been lingering in my mind for so long it feels like a good thing that i strive to achieve. others have goals like becoming a doctor, or making a cake. more noble goals, arent they? i feel no pleasure in doing things anymore. i find myself constantly staring into space, shaking, worrying about my “future” and (almost violently) clenching my jaw. ok im sorry. ive talked too long. goodbye.
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Do you feel unbearably sad? Have you had crying spells lately? Has it lasted for at least two weeks? Lack of interest in things you used to like doing? Apetite and/or sleep changes? If you answered yes to any of these, you are probably depressed for real. If you have to question whether or not you’re faking it, then you aren’t. Fakers know they are faking. However, I’ve heard similar things–about wondering if theyre faking depression–from people who ended up having Borderline Personality Disorder. Maybe research? Idk. You deserve to have a good life. You deserve relief. I hope you find it.
i know how long it’s been, but i haven’t remembered to log in and check here. thank you so much, i really need this.
I can second what PlainWhite has said, and I hugely empathize with you here.
I totally feel the same, but wtf is a diagnosis gonna do? Help with this out-of-bounds bullshit? I have done research, and given up on expectations of getting help like a “normal” person. Fuck Normal. Fuck Crazy, for that matter. You’re not crazy, also. it takes a strong mind to realize what you have here. Keep it up, keep thinking for yourself! best wishes and may you find good emotion soon-
i’m sorry it’s taken a few months to respond, but thank you so much. i appreciate it and what you said has given me something to think on. thank you again.