I have struggled with depression my entire life. I’ve attempted suicide seriously twice. The last was in November of 2019. I took 6 grams of amitriptyline and ended up in ICU for 4 days, followed by a week in mental health.
I’ve also lost both my parents to cancer. My mom January of 2020, and Dad July 2021. I have no siblings. My mother’s family is….terrible. Self-absorbed, elitist…so I am estranged from them. My father’s family is wonderful but live in a different state. I am married and have 2 beautiful children; they are my anchors here.
I think about dying every day. I am still kind of amazed I haven’t died of a broken heart, because I was so close with my parents. If I was childless I would of shot myself the day my Dad died. But I can’t do that to my kids. So I’m stuck in a loop of suffering. I’ve done therapy, it’s not really my thing; I’ve tried medications; they don’t really help either…so…I just….exist. Everything I do, is motivated by my babies.
I will be 41 this year…and it breaks my heart to see so many young folks here, and to read their stories. I wish I could say it gets better. For some people, that is absolutely true. But for me, and others like me, sometimes there is no out. Sometimes…if you can’t live for yourself you have to find another reason, otherwise you drown in the saddness.
I keep living for my babies and I hope one day, I’ll be able to do it for ME.
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2 comments
I saw that you were married. Does your husband or wife, depending what is what, know about this? I think it would be something to chat with them about. There’s people out there that don’t even have that, which can make things pretty rough. It’s good to see you would live for your kids. Let them be the reason you live. I’ve had my times with depression. I still have it till this day, but I do my best to keep it from triggering. I think you should try and get into hobbies that you once we’re into or pick up something new. Getting out the house can do you good as well. Just remember it’s a process, so it won’t go away with a snap. Depression is pretty nasty and it’s taken so many lives. Some people are still fighting and others are at there critical point. It’s like trying to fight through a wave. The wave either pushes you out to the depths of no return or you ride the wave back to land.
Am around your age, and the existing not living thing is so relatable.