So I did something that should have been the end but I woke up 2 hours or so later with horrible chest pain but I am alive. I almost wonder if I am a ghost because I should not be here. It is a strange feeling. Now all I think about is I don’t want to ruin Christmas for the kids by leaving right now but really when is a good time?? Also, it’s the struggle of thinking I don’t want the kids to not think I loved them enough but at the same time, I don’t benefit their lives.
My mom gave me up at 6 and never met my father. My grandparents that raised me died. I literally have no parent or older person that actually cares about my well-being. I should be over all of that but it didn’t both me under my 30’s. I think when my twins turned 6 I thought about the fact that my mom gave me up at 6 for her drug habit. I divorced their dad and am so poor, I don’t have a tree for them. Haven’t bought them gifts.
2 comments
your kids love you so much. Even if they’re a little bratty about it, just explain it to them that there’s more to Xmas than the gifts, and try to do stuff like board games or make with what you have. I remember being kind of bratty when my mom was struggling through a divorce… I didn’t love her any less regardless.
Also, you aren’t a failure. You’re superwoman….even if it feels like shit ha that’s the wave. You’ll push through. I believe in you.