You know, It’s entirely possible for an asteroid to hit earth and wipe us all out right this second. I know you must think that places like NASA have us sorted and safe from all that, but lets be honest with ourselves and admit that they really don’t know too much about space, and for all we know, there could be a planet exploding somewhere in the distance right now, and it could spew out some rapidly-moving asteroids that just happen to be heading straight for us. Now we all know the speed of light, but what about the speed of time? Pretty easy right, 1 minute is 60 seconds, but time is completely relative, and there really aren’t that many ways to measure space time. Do we REALLY know that some things are truly what we learn. I’ve been thinking about light recently. And how it travels in waves. If light travels in waves, then that must mean there is some sort of… density? To light, I mean. As light can be dim or bright, the bright lights must emit more waves, while dimmer light emits less waves. can you tell I didn’t pay attention in skl? haha. I kind of got sidetracked there, I was gonna write about living with no regrets, bc if we all die in the end anyway then we shouldn’t let small things get on our nerves or overthink, just live yk. you have the rest of your life to die, live first before you think about death. It must sound so silly to some people. ‘why should I bother living if im gonna die in the end?’ you must think. Well, true ig, but you’re missing the bigger, more important part. The probability of you being born alone is pretty amazing, so if you’re already here then why waste it? There are amazing things in life, but there are also some pretty shitty things too. Life is learning to love them both, even if you don’t in the moment. Well, that’s what I was going to write anyway.

I actually kind of wanted to write down my doubts. I want to learn all about space and how it works, not just that solar system stuff you do in school, i wanna learn how all that ‘stuff’ goes on. How planets form, what makes and powers a star, and all those nerdy astrophysics equations about the trajectory of whatever. I want to know that stuff. I want to learn about all of the elements of space. But deep down, I feel like I’m just not smart enough to learn all that, and that there will always be some fucking grown-up child prodigy who knows it all. I love maths, I love learning maths. I love having amazing teachers for maths, teachers that aren’t just some last minute subs to replace my teacher who is constantly on leave for extended, uncertain periods of time. Because although time is relative, it will always go on, I am constantly aging and so I don’t have time to wait for incompetent subs. I hate it.

I don’t like the weekends. I know I say many times I hate school, but saying that has only become a reflex now, not my true opinion. I really like school, not all lessons, and seeing my friends surprisingly isn’t the highlight either. I actually love learning. I wish I found science easier though, because I need it for what i want to do when I grow up.

Originally, the plan was to become an architect or something that makes good money, but at some point after halloween I was in an IKEA car park, looking up at the moon and tiny dots of planets in the distance, jupiter and mars (I think) and I thought, that’s what i wanna do. I think space is so complex and difficult and beautiful, naturally I have a curiosity to learn more about the vast, supposedly infinite void filled with wonderful elements and planets and systems. apparently, if the theory of space ever expanding like an elastic band is correct, one day it’s going to snap back and destroy everything, while producing another ‘big bang’ ,i f you like, and forming something completely new. It’s unfair, how big everything out there is while I’m just an evolved bacteria on a small planet, in a small solar system, rolling around a small galaxy. So insignificant, so tiny. And to me, that’s wonderful. I get to be HERE. I’m right HERE right NOW and that is truly amazing.            I think I have autism btw, but it doesn’t matter. who cares, right?

I kind of wish I could live this moment forever. right now im sat on my bed, listening to a chill yt playlist, typing away on my laptop. I feel safe here. I’m breathing too, I love breathing.  I’m tired, I want to go to bed, but this moment is too precious.

I actually feel like an old lady sometimes. But like, a really high old lady. I’m obviously too young for drugs, but this is what I imagine feeling high feels like. I’m in my early teens. Now I’m oversharing. I’m 14, I don’t feel 14, and I don’t want to turn 15. I peaked ages ago though, pathetic right? I’m always late to school, and to be honest with myself I’m late on purpose. If I’m on time, there really isn’t anything else to stand out in. I’m late to be attention-seeking. Not at first, but after a while it morphed into that. In my school, having good test scores and being good all the time doesn’t make you stand out. Even having amazing scores, ur still average. I know I’m average, but I really can’t be perfect because then people might just pass over me. Its more than that, a feeling deep down. I don’t want to feel ignored. It’s easy to feel ignored, is a massive school with lots of other kids, you kind of drift into the shadows. I have to feel noticed somehow.

I sound pathetic, I’m overthinking now. It’s easy to overthink at night because there really isn’t much else to do.

i’m tired now