missing the crowded room

I have more interviews coming up. Today, I think I bombed one. I didn’t prepare and froze. It wasn’t anything huge. It feels better getting out of the house. A new face. I enjoyed it. I was lightly laughing at myself inside. Haha, improv, not my thing.

I drank poison a couple days ago. I feel small. I feel embarrassed. I feel exposed. That Gaga spread so many rumors about me because she felt like it. And said “Drink it” when I confessed how I felt. So much more than that happened. What a bitter, cruel woman. It makes the world look taller, and colder. I feel like I stand no chance.

I’m very isolated. How do I fit in? How am I going to make friends? The security. I have no one in this town. Blue collar republican cliche is draining by itself. “Just got outta gel”  it’s like eternity. I’m not sure how to find a similar crowd.  Where to start. I have some ideas. Watch it turn out the same haha. Wish I could go to New York. Feel it out. That stupid b,tch Gaga, up there acting like a trustfund hag…bitter, coked up, old. “Drink it” the poison, she said. Lol… I guess she had a headache that morning…

No.. I wanna meet an exploding personality up there. In a gay bar, NYC at least once. It feels so repetitive being stuck in this armpit town. Redneck working class, I’m tired of it. It’s everywhere. No color. It bursts to life in New York. The homophobic Gaga attitude wouldn’t fly in any of those places. She should be stranded here. She belongs here.

Idk, I’ve never been hated so much like that. “Lady Gaga hates me so much she put me in a music video, told me to drink poison when I admitted how I felt, blurred the insult, put it back the next day to say nobody cares, I still hate you. Be embarrassed.”

I don’t understand. Was it my sob posts on here or something? The fan art? I might hang myself tonight. I don’t stand a chance out there. I was watching a Linkin Park video and noticed how she spread it there and they were humiliating me there before my shift. When I got there, her dad was there and said “nobody cares if you drink poison” but said it in a way where nobody could point it out or understand what it meant. Crazy. The Gaga hated me so much she felt good about herself knowing I attempted suicide. Or she would’ve stopped doing any of it. It sucks. I clung to that music. Yeah. I’m going to do it tonight. I’m just lying to myself. Last night, this guy overheard me talking to myself and told me to grab a rope and hang myself. I had my window open, idk. I feel defeated. Like, what a strange… hmm. Watch, they heard me talk about this and they’ll root it on or something.