When money, power, fame love won’t grant me happiness and I hate every single thing related to being alive, how do I become happy? I know my only “cure” is the end I so desire but am I truly the selfish one for wanting to be “happy” even if it is in my own twisted way? Please someone tell me, am I to suffer being unhappy until natural causes or freak occurrences strikes me down!?
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This strikes a chord with me because I also have no interest in money/power/fame/love or the traditional happiness ‘drugs’. I had enough of a taste of those and I’ve moved on to reality: finding a point to life.
That’s the great unanswered question.
So unfortunately I can’t give you any good news. I don’t think even death will bring “happiness”. You’ll cease to exist before you can enjoy it. Kind of like switching off the tv on a bad movie… it doesn’t make you feel any better. You still feel like you wasted your time, and now you’re staring at a dark tv.
I thought it takes money to get you out from where you are? So wouldn’t you ‘want’ money?
I do want money just as a band-aid, a temporary way to distract myself with luxury, but I know this hole is deeper than any amount of money can fill so it’s a dead end.
So these days the prospect of money does nothing for me. I project a year or 2 into the future and see the same bottomless pit, and me falling into it with a worthless fistful of cash.
I envy the people who can be distracted with money, or even love. More power to them. But for me I know in the end what’s waiting.
my end goal isn’t money, however, when you’re poor, life sucks ass. so for me, money = freedom, which i do not have right now. i need money to live in a better place, bc where i am now SUCKS ASS. i cannot be happy in a teeny tiny little box with thin walls, hearing my neighbors and susceptible to attacks. i cannot be happy if i am in a shitty ugly neighborhood. i cannot be happy in a crowded dirty city that’s fucking hot and humid in the summer and cold and snowing in the winter.
i need money to live even a DECENT life. It’s not necessarily about luxuries for me. Maybe you’re already in a decent apt/house so that’s not a worry for you. I’m stuck in a shitty studio with barely any room for anything other than a bed, so yeah, I NEED money to at least get out from a poor lifestyle in a crappy apt in a crappy neighborhood in a crappy city.
obviously money isn’t going to solve all my mental and emotional problems- i’ve had them even when i was middle income and doing alright- but being poor definitely makes it near impossible to have a decent happy life.
for me, it’s imperative to at least get to “ok”- and that’s what money would do. it would at least keep me stable, if my environment were better.
oh, and i’ll need money to get health treatment, bc rn, i’m not able to see anyone that can actually help me.
so for me, i fucking NEED money to go from “suicidal” to “stable.” i made decent money once. i was stable for some periods in the past. i know what it’s like to be “ok-ish,” depressed but still functioning. but where i am now is NOT fucking living any kind of life or functioning.
do you really envy ppl who are “distracted” by love? i don’t think you do. if you’ve closed yourself up to ppl, then no, the LAST thing you want is for someone to get close to you, make you vulnerable, and have that wall of protection crumble. trust me. i was there. i was like you- i didn’t need “love” back then. i wasn’t pining for men like all the women around me. i was like “eh”, i’d be fine if i had someone and totally fine if when i didn’t.
but if you want to be like “normal” ppl who care about “love,” then no, i’m 100% positive you do not want to be vulnerable and have that dagger pointed at your heart, bc that’s what happens when ppl “love.” even if the person is a good person. it’s still a dagger pointed at your heart bc no one but that person has the ability to hurt you. knowing you just based on words, yeah, you definitely do NOT want to be in “love” and be vulnerable, turning into a puddle of tears if he “doesn’t call” or whatever.
So envy those who are after love? nah. i know you don’t. trust me when i say, i was like you, and now i’ve fallen apart. falling in love is what fucked me up and made me weak and vulnerable and emotional, when i never was before. i was like dr. spock before- no kidding. that was how impenetrable my wall was.
anyhow, enjoy your wall while it lasts. maybe yours will never break.
my end goal is happiness, or at least a peaceful, worry-free serene life. maybe i’ll never reach happiness and inner peace, which is what my end goal is. but i’ll settle for happy enough, or peaceful enough. now that my wall is broken, i do want love and to be cared for.
money is something that will at least get me out of this shithole where i can’t possibly be anywhere near stable or at peace.
maybe you’re talking about ppl who chase money for the sake of money. there is a difference in chasing money to fill a hole in one’s heart (it will never fill it) vs someone like me wanting money so i can at least live in a decent, quiet apt/house and be able to get better healthcare.
There’s definitely what I call situational depression: poverty, oppression, bullying. That shit is fucked up and I agree many of those people just need to be extracted from their situation so they can lead a happy life.
But I would argue that anytime situational depression goes on for a long time.. 5, 10 or 20 years.. then the person “learns” to be chronically depressed. And those people, even after they’re taken out of their depressive situation, hold on to the psychological aftereffects.
Sexual abuse survivors would illustrate my point. Obviously the rapist is gone, maybe even in prison, so the situation is over. But if they had to live with the trauma alone as many do, it creates a feedback loop in their head, and that’s how we get PTSD and all those lovely mindfucks that make a person chronically incurably depressed.
I hope you’re not at that point yet, but if we’re talking honest, I think like me you’ve been forced to endure the ‘situation’ too long. It’s imprinted in your mind and even if we win a lottery and get out of our shitty situations, the depression demon is on our back for life.
Regarding love… Honestly I do crave it. I might be the only human on the planet who was never betrayed or hurt in a relationship. All of mine have been great. I choose very wisely… Unfortunately for them, they didn’t choose wisely lol (Note to everyone: never date a suicidal person. Just don’t.)
But the delusion of love is real. Find the right person, choose wisely, and it’ll inspire you both to move mountains. I wish to high fuck I could live in that delusion again.
“I hope you’re not at that point yet,”
–>Oh I am WAY past that point. I’ve had a shit life since I was 7. Lots of poverty and childhood abuse, and then as an adult LOTS of fucking bullshittery from people. The Universe shitted on me, I got royally screwed in so many ways by so many people, many times, not just an incident here or there. I am beyond fucked up.
So no, if I won the lottery, I would still be fucked up, but at least I wouldn’t worry about what to eat or where can i live, or have to share walls with fucking neighbors i wanna kill.
it would take many of my stressors out. my life would go from “seriously fucked up” to maybe “ok.” given how much i’ve fallen into this sinkhole, i’ll take “ok.”
sure, i’d still have all those invisible scars (and real scars) but at least i’d have less stress and worries. and have the freedom to DO stuff and go places and not be fucking stuck here in this crap situation.
“it creates a feedback loop in their head,”
–> it’s not about a feedback loop. it’s a problem with SOCIETY. people who have been raped are blamed and cannot talk about it openly. that is one of the largest reasons why a person “doesn’t get over rape.” i mean obviously the act is pretty gruesome and hard to get over too, but the fact that we have to hide that shit from everyone, and the fact that 98% of ppl blame the victim, is why so many ppl never get over it.
Nice analogy about tv and bad movie
Suicide isn’t selfish, no matter what mainstream media/society tells us. That’s just propaganda pushed by Big Phar.ma / Medical Industrial Complex / Oligarcgy so we don’t off ourselves, so that we are slaves to the rich that control us.
If you want to suicide, it’s not selfish. Hell, it’s better for the environment. You won’t be using precious natural resources, you won’t be contributing pollution, no more carbon footprint, etc.
Suicide is the most self-less act if you think about it that way.