Yesterday was my birthday and it was supposed to be a happy day but as I blew the candles out I wished for death. I wish that I would die that day that I wouldn’t wake up that I didn’t have to be alive anymore that something would put me out of my misery. This time I had a great birthday I had all the means to be happy, but for some reason no matter how good the birthday was there was an extreme overwhelming, feeling of numbness of misery of loneliness, and I just wanted to run in away from it all. I was surrounded by many friends and as they laughed and chatted with me all I could think about was how much I could no longer relate to them. I felt as if everything was drowning out and I was just a bystander. I had to fake laugh along with them but I’m so tired of feeling this way. I don’t want to live anymore. I crave death but I can never do it. I go day by day feeling numb and lonely. Nothing matters anymore not like it ever did but it’s been getting worse. Every year I say just one more year you can hold on for one more year, you’ll be happy one day have hope. But it’s already been 12 years of the same BS and those empty words no longer comfort me. I have given up already.I’m so tired I just want it all to go away. I just want to go away.
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While birthdays are something to celebrate as regular people, because they’re glad to be alive, it is just a reminder for us, how long life has been dragging on. I’ve had birthdays like this too, where I didn’t want to leave my bed.
I don’t blame you feeling strange in a group, that’s what happened to me at school. It seemed as if everyone was miles away, everyone had their plans, wrote exams and I was sitting there like… damn, I don’t actually want to be in this room right now, I want to disappear. No one felt like this, so I stopped trying to explain and did the same like you, pretended that I was happy.
When a purpose in life will come for you and problems seem manageable, then hopefully you won’t even have that thought towards your birthday. I found, that it’s worse, when no one plans anything, that makes one feel unimportant. I mean it’s not like we love ourselves enough, to do something nice for us. It’s better to be around people, who do care (in their way) and show up than being all alone. Just my experience though..
Even though your birthday was not a happy one, I hope this new revolution around the sun for you brings many happy moments, friendships, joyful surprises.