I want there to be something wrong with me. I wish a doctor could diagnose me with terminal inability to make friends. I want a scapegoat for my problems, instead of acknowledging that most of my problems stem from my own actions.
And then one might say to me on that subject (and I certainly have to myself, many a time) “why not take action, try to get out, try to meet people, try to focus, try to work on yourself. After all, nobody can do it for you – the best motivation comes with within.”
And I must say “but I have failed before I have started. I get caught up in myself, to not get out, improve myself and my life. I feel like I have failed before I have started, and because of that, I have.”
The obvious retort is “just do it! You cannot fail before you try, just take the step, for every journey begins with the first step.”
However, I always want to take that step, but I feel I cannot. I contradict myself – I know I am the only one that can truly help myself, but I can’t even try. What does that make of me then? I want my hand held, I want to be helped, but I know it is not the solution. I have fully neutered my confidence, and the only thing I am confident about is my lack of confidence!
I think too much, as opposed by doing. I’d rather waste my time envious of others instead of trying myself. I can barely hold myself together in daily life (with responsibilities and such), so why take on another thing? It’s laziness, probably.
That leads me to believe that I really don’t want to have friends, and that what I truly want is to be a failure. Solely because it is the easiest thing to do.
Nothing I do has meaning. I feel meaningless, and meaning is hard to get. Meaning requires work, and I cannot do that, for I am a failure. That leaves me on a constant search for happiness, the little spike of neurotransmitters to get myself through every day. I uninstalled video games from my laptop (as young men like me love, and the similarities to other addictions (e.g. alcohol, drugs) does not go unnoticed by me), but that made me realise I do nothing with my life. It made me sick, alone with my thoughts more. I’m depressed, lonely, friendless, unconfident. I spend more time wanting to end it all than I do talking to people (by a wide margin). It makes me feel worse, solely because video games were the only distraction I had from the thoughts I’ve always had – I’m a loner, loser, and a failure.
I hate these thoughts, they are unbearable. They want me to take action, make myself better, improve my life. However, any step (e.g. seeking friends, “just join a club”, work on a side project) feels impossible. I want someone to magically come along and be my friend, introduce me to people, bring to me any confidence, bring me motivation. I’ve always been lonely – able to interact with people older and younger than me, but never my peers. And at university, I am removed from the only people I have – my family. There’s nobody I can hug when I have a bad day, or something goes wrong. I only have myself, and that’s scary. How can I “just do it” when I am scared and not confident in myself?
Maybe I’m overthinking it, but I’ve thought this same thing for a while now. Wanting, but never acting.
And I know that posting here won’t help. It’ll give me another distraction, another way to avoid my real life, the thing I always seem to care the most about but chronically neglect.
Do I truly want to get better, or do I want an excuse to get worse?
Post Script:
Sorry for the haphazard nature of this. I can never get my thoughts on paper well. Also, I should move this section to the top and get rid of the post script (because CRTL+X CTRL+V exists, I’m not writing a letter or anything). But I won’t, I guess. Seems more right to me to put it here.
4 comments
I’m sorry that you are feeling this. Being alone for so long is definately something I am familiar with. Of course there isn’t much advice I can give you that you probably haven’t heard already. People are difficult. For so many different reasons. Trying to find connection with them is scary but so desirable. I guess if there is a small bit of advice I can give you is get a small part time job. Something like retail. I have found it is a lot easier to make friends with co workers. One of my few friends I had was from working a small pizza place years ago when I was a sophmore in college. He introduced me to others and now I know a small handful of people on discord. I also suggest working for a small business. Not a chain as their rules make it harder to get to know your coworkers. Even if it doesn’t work out, at least you have some spare change in your pocket and something to take you mind off your loneliness. Who knows, maybe you’ll meet someone through your job. Don’t get your hopes up too high though. From one lonely soul to another, I hope things get better for you.
Thanks for the response.
I have a job at a retail chain when I am not at college, but most of the working staff is decades older than me, and I feel ostracized by the few people my age that work there. I fear being on the outside looking in – I got bullied in middle and high school, thinking I was being in a friend group, meanwhile I was outside it, and an easy target to pick on (so I was told after Covid-19 broke it all up).
I fear that again. I’ve always been good at small talk, but nothing goes past that. I feel as though I’m missing something innate that everyone around me has.
Sometimes I lack confidence in myself to make friends, and by being lonely it reinforces my attitudes. But I still draw the pattern of always being isolated anyways…
Thanks for the advice though. Maybe one day I’ll heed the advice you and others give.
Hope things get better for you as well.
I see. Large retail chains are like that. I hope you are able to get into situations where you can talk to those co workers your age. When things are slow, people tend to talk to one another. I understand where you are coming from, about being afraid to talk to people, especially if you’ve been bullied before. I hope you manage to find strength to overcome this. And of course, you have the people on here to talk to. Not all posts need to be sad on here. Some people enjoy posting their art or poems and such, although it has been awhile. You said you enjoy games? What do you usually play?
I will give you some advice, things that worked for me.
Try to assume responsibility for something outside of yourself. A pet, or a family member. It helps. Don’t compare yourself with others. Be humble and do what you are able to do. Don’t blame yourself for your failures. Instead, change your behaviour. It’s going to take time. A lot of time. I don’t know your whole situation, but try to make simple goals like talking to at least one person every day.
And don’t stress about how long it’s going to take to get better, instead, try to make it through one hour until the next. And so, every day.