so maybe it gets better but it still fucking sucks

I thought this period of my life was over. It’s been 2 years since I self-harmed last and more than a year since I actually wanted to kill myself. Things are going good for me. I just can’t seem to get it right, this living thing. I rot, and rot, and rot.

I didn’t have any sharp enough clades in the house. I had finally gotten rid of my backup razor blade. I really thought

I didn’t even break much skin. The blade it too dull. I want to scream.

I almost said to my best friend as she was walking out the door that I wasn’t okay and needed her, that I wasn’t just in a bad mood I was feeling suicidal, but I didn’t. She said I love you as she walked out and I didn’t believe her.

I fucking hate my brain. Why don’t I ever let myself have good things? It’s like I’m cursed or something. I just want to be better. Will it always be like this? I want so many things in this life, but what if ill always be too broken to even have them? Its the only thing keeping me going. The thought of being in love, the feeling of joy, my future childs hand holding mine, finding my home, making a difference in the world, even a small one. It feels so far out of my grasp now. I’m almost 23. I’m past my predicted expiration date. Shouldn’t I have this shit under control by now? I’d hoped to be married 5 years from now. I can’t even imagine in the state im in. But I guess 5 years ago, I was a million times worse. So 5 years does make a difference. I just wish it wasn’t me that had to live the life to get there.

The throbbing pain on my arm is calming. It numbs so good.