this is natural

i’ve been putting this off for a long time because i needed to justify this as rational, and this is hard to believe because all the support i’ve received suggests i’m a freak of nature. i want to be a rational and logical person very badly, i get upset when others are not.

i wish people would say plainly to my face that i’m hopeless. your thoughts are a product of your suffering but this temporary solution is wrong. you are wrong for thinking this way, apparently.

this is the only solution. i don’t want to live with my mental disability anymore. looking around, there is no point to life without community. there will be no empathy for the undeserving. there is no loving touch. a series of unlucky life events have led me here, completely out of my control, that is what i must tell myself. what i need to type

i’ve realised that suicide is normal because it is natural, and therefore rational. it took me so fucking long to make the connection. wild animals experience dread and suicide so why should i feel so guilty considering it for myself. i wish someone told me this is a part of life, it really is. i need to be told a lot of things, it’s not right.

i hate that this death will be wasteful, it will be ugly and absolutely no one will think of me except for my mother. i will be easily erased from my job. i wish i had value to leave behind! but i’ve barely lived.