i’ve been putting this off for a long time because i needed to justify this as rational, and this is hard to believe because all the support i’ve received suggests i’m a freak of nature. i want to be a rational and logical person very badly, i get upset when others are not.
i wish people would say plainly to my face that i’m hopeless. your thoughts are a product of your suffering but this temporary solution is wrong. you are wrong for thinking this way, apparently.
this is the only solution. i don’t want to live with my mental disability anymore. looking around, there is no point to life without community. there will be no empathy for the undeserving. there is no loving touch. a series of unlucky life events have led me here, completely out of my control, that is what i must tell myself. what i need to type
i’ve realised that suicide is normal because it is natural, and therefore rational. it took me so fucking long to make the connection. wild animals experience dread and suicide so why should i feel so guilty considering it for myself. i wish someone told me this is a part of life, it really is. i need to be told a lot of things, it’s not right.
i hate that this death will be wasteful, it will be ugly and absolutely no one will think of me except for my mother. i will be easily erased from my job. i wish i had value to leave behind! but i’ve barely lived.
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I suppose that’s one way to look at it. I’ve thought more about the opposite though. How there’s a bizarre drive to live baked into everything. Down to cells. They have no concept of life or death, they just do things to exist. Humans and certain animals are more complex, so that’s why there is suicide. I guess it’s a matter of overriding that drive though that makes it happen.
Sorry life’s been unkind to you. I hope they get better.
i hope my drive for death will be stronger than to live. it is so sad to think that most people are living on instinct rather than finding concrete reasons to live. people don’t realise they can create their own philosophy for life. i watch people fumble through life like zombies and wonder when their body will finally give them up
i am what i am. ducks will quack.
I mean isn’t that part of the problem though? You have barely lived. You have no idea what kind of mark is still possible for you to leave. There’s still so much time left to determine that, isn’t there? I hope you’ll keep fighting for a future that could be, instead of for a present that simply is.
you have a good point. i don’t think it’s going to get better, i’ve spent the last year self-loathing and drowning in shame. stubborn people like me usually need a slap in the face to get better right?
this sounds stupid, but i don’t think i can fight for a better future if i don’t enjoy the fight, if i’m recovering alone.
You should remember that you’re never alone in your battle. Everybody here is a testament to that eternal struggle. Even those who outwardly look well composed can hide the darkest sadness. Take Robin Williams for example, I don’t really know if people knew how depressed he really was. Until it was too late. My point is, your never really alone while you’re here. Nobody is. We are all standing at the void together, staring in wondering if anything is staring back at us. One day we’ll have our answer.
i’m getting impatient waiting for the answer
I understand that. I’m already beyond losing my patience with life in general. So, I wouldn’t exactly take my words to heart. My credibility on this subject may be severely compromised as is. Which you may have surmised on your own by now. But I can’t be nihilistic all the tine. That would just drive me insane.
sorry i realise i was a bit rude, i don’t think your credibility is compromised. nihilism is a horrible ugly thing that i can’t seem to shake off myself so i’m glad you don’t constantly feel that
I’m sorry you’re surrounded by people like that. I often have been too. Feeling alone can be a big trigger for a lot of us to desire to die.
It’s totally rational, as you say, a conclusion easy enough to make. If we don’t belong, don’t fit, then it would be easier to not be.
When I was 16 years old I read the essay by French Existentialist Albert Camus”The Absurdity of Suicide”, that was 20 years ago. This was six years before I thought of killing myself. I’ve reread it since, a few times.
Camus said that the question of suicide is the only real philosophical question. A confession to the absurdity of life, and an obvious end to the futile search for meaning.
That’s actually what always bugged me about it, is that it was just so obvious, so logical and rational. Humans aren’t supposed to be that, I’m not supposed to be that. We developed logic for consistent systems, not for the well being of the human mind.
I was young and fed up. I was afraid, of what I would miss. Now I’m less young, paid my dues, I learned to face my fears even death and loss. If you live long enough, you’ll see people die. If you at some point wanted to die, that might be enough.
There is a growing career path in assisting the dying, the elderly population is exploding. So if you, like me, want to know what it is to die, there’s a way to do it without directly making anyone sad, and while cashing a paycheck.
Someday death and I will meet, as old friends, none closer. There’s no need for eagerness in it though. Having sampled, it’s rare to know that it’s coming, even more rare to try to make peace with it. This is despite the fact that every living thing is heading that way.
So that’s why I’m telling you that death, while rational, doesn’t work the way most people think about it because most people don’t want to think about it. It’s lights out, forever. Who knows if anything comes next, or if you’ll be remembered. You think you won’t, but you can’t know that for sure.
The mechanics of social connections just drop to the floor at the time someone dies. Your memory might be your only legacy. Your story might be all you get.
The concept of a thinking being suddenly not thinking, not being is irrational. Yet we take a dry run at it every time we sleep.
Why is everyone so eager to wake up anyway? Beyond the walls of sleep is a timeless void that knows no end.
it’s true, more and more people are travelling abroad to be euthanised, i’ve seen a couple girls in their 20s on the news who did it because of their mental illness. this must be hard on the doctor advising. i’m not sure if this will become the norm, last month the sarco pod was used for the first time, a few people associated with it have been arrested but the maker is in the netherlands now i think. unfortunately switz police are keeping it quiet and i can’t find more info, not sure if this will be used again. the pod is of course very profitable because it is peaceful, not sure how to feel about that.
i kind of don’t care what anyone thinks of me when i’m gone, it doesn’t matter. i’ve also stopped caring for the people around me and it’s getting hard to hide, i guess that’s what happens when a person is so wrapped up in their suicide ideation. i feel like a bit of a narcissist.
idk why people are eager to wake up. they must have lots of things to look forward to and are unafraid of the unexpected, adaptable. they are well-rounded people