Does anyone else feel evil?
When sad shit happens to me, I just move on without giving it a second thought. A while back, I had a falling out with my best friend of nine years – someone I spent a lot of time with. Since then, it’s been almost four months, and I haven’t really felt sad, and I haven’t even felt like I missed her. Also kind of recently, a close cousin died of cancer. Of course, I thought the death was tragic and unfortunate (cancer is no fucking joke), but I just couldn’t bring myself to grieve – like, I physically couldn’t bring myself to be sad (and yes, I hate myself for it). I’m this way with literally everyone in my life. If, for whatever reason, someone leaves or doesn’t appear in my life frequently, I just move on as if they never existed in the first place. When I stopped talking to my brother for months (another falling out; his fault), nothing fundamentally changed for me. I just felt like I had one less person to deal with.
So, what I’ve just admitted so far probably makes me seem like such an evil and cruel person, which I probably am. I mean, I’m supposed to feel devastated when things like this happen, but instead, there’s just nothing. A whole lot of nothing. Even though I want to convince myself that, deep down, I really do care and don’t know how to express it, I honestly don’t know anymore. All I know is that, for the past few years, something has been wrong with me, and I don’t know how to fix it so that I can go back to the way I used to be. I seriously wonder what my problem is. Am I just a horribly selfish person? Or, is this normal?
1 comment
Not necessarily. Apathy doesn’t necessarily mean you’re evil. I guess it just depends on the other stuff going on in your life. And the fact that your questioning this means your apathy doesn’t stem from cold indifference, but something else. I guess finding out what it is is the tricky part.