So i still have a couple of hours before i end it, and I’m actually so afraid of dying alone, and what the hell will happen after death? I know i have to force myself to go through with this, at least i know it will be an almost peaceful way to go. Fuck, i wish someone would be by my side.
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Your circumstances are ultimately your circumstances, I’d say you are the best judge of why you feel compelled to go to such a point and even though from the previous posts I wouldn’t say it’s the best or at least only course of action to take, you have all the background information there that I would not. Not an easy thing to do in the slightest and I think that it’s more trouble than it’s worth, although things could add up to years of reasons for why you’d want to kick the bucket “earlier than intended”, different from things like euthanasia at an old age because that seems to be more about choosing death at a specified time instead of letting whatever consists as “natural causes” do it for you.
I’d say regardless that if your circumstances allow you to be alive in terms of nobody threatening your life for you, that’s a good thing. At least you’d contemplate it on your own terms in this case, but that extends to both being dead and alive obviously. You said previously that you “don’t want to live at all”, but the obvious question pops up in terms of what living means to you exactly. Is it truly everything about life, or rather the circumstances you are currently presented with? 26 is quite young in comparison to people who pretty much (unfortunately) have the same circumstances going on as you but two decades older, and yet still seem to focus on making progress for whatever reasons they may have. I see no reason why you couldn’t pivot things if you wanted to, although I will once again state that I am not aware of everything going on, of course I’m not.
Either way, not forced to live or die, not forced to do anything kind of and that’s how it should be, although there’s still bills to pay and not UBI anytime soon. If you’re looking for a peaceful way to go at the very least, I’d say that it’s not time dependent until you’re around the average age of death for wherever you are located. The state you are in doesn’t seem to be very “peaceful” either, so there’s that. A better death would probably come after such problems are fixed, whatever they may consist of, which is the especially rough part.