Christmas Music

*Trigger warning-if you’re a sensitive-type of person who is emotional and easily triggered, then it’s probably best to skip my post.*

So as I’m driving, I start hearing Christmas music on various radio channels…I knew it was that time of year again. Some of it is actually really beautiful and they simply don’t create songs like that anymore, so that is a good part of our culture passed down to us.

But I could barely hear it for a few seconds because of the memories it conjures up. It just reminds me of how innocent children really are and the tiny little bubble they live in and see as their world.

It just makes me all the more grateful to my amazing mother as she just kept these important times of year (like birthdays and other holidays) special for my siblings as I when we were kids.

We were lower income, but our needs were met for the most part. My scummy, selfish dad left us and claimed he couldn’t put up with my mom. But really he did us a favor…while he had his good side, he could also be a violent bastard and he would’ve abused my mom if he was still around…so I was glad he was gone but we still saw him on the weekends.

But looking back now, it was almost like an illusion we were living in…we thought everything was fine in life and I honestly don’t know how we managed to survive with my mom’s limited income. Now I realize it’s just that my mom was younger, healthier and was able to keep working so we had a roof over our heads and our needs met.

It was only when I grew and realized how much jobs really suck, how hard they can be, how easily one can get fired, did I appreciate all she did and in fairness my dad did help in some important ways also.

But I feel now I truly understand why more people ‘end it’ around Christmas…because it’s a very emotional time in our lives and people have many memories, both good and bad attached to it.

I’m older now and arguably past the age of having kids…though still possible if I do in the next decade or so…but I really don’t have a huge desire for them like some people do. I’ll be happy the day when my time is finally done here.

My life was just a mix of emotions, mostly wanting things I lacked in life, suffering, working hard and never really ending up where I wanted to be…so I’ve grown sick of the game of life now.

While I am dealing with some serious problems right now, I’m ok but my job is on the line. If not for my family I think I would’ve called it quits long ago…I want to have one last ‘hurrah’…blow my cash on a vacation maybe and then be done.

There is a simple lesson in all of this, that I wish every human knew, don’t have kids if:

1-you have serious mental or physical/health issues. We all have some issues and we go through experiences that make us depressed, sad, etc…but we get better. I mean those living with conditions for years.

2-you’re unattractive, barely dated, kind of a weirdo, loner, loser, etc. To be blunt fat/ugly/flawed. No it’s not cool to be you against the world and that BS they fill people’s heads with. If you don’t fit in, chances are you’ll pass on bad genes and your kids will suffer like you did.

Case in point, I saw a girl at the grocery store today with really bad acne…if not for that she might’ve been pretty, but I couldn’t stand to look at her. I felt really sorry for her, but her idiot parents are entirely to blame…they must’ve known their kids could inherit it, but they reproduced anyways. She looked sad too…but sorry it’s not my fault. She should have the common sense to see a skin doctor also, there are meds that might help.

3-Low Income. This is a major one. It seems wherever I look people are getting rich off Bitcoin, or stocks, or businesses, or just finding good jobs. Like some relatives I know, they’re rotten people but somehow landed in high paying jobs, own several houses now and are doing good.

I was a good person my whole life-or at least tried to be and ended up like my mom, just making enough to get by but not really thriving and not having annual vacations (I mean we get a few weeks off, but can’t afford to travel) among other perks in life.

I could go on and on, but I think I hit the major points…there are so many people, including my parents who really shouldn’t be having kids but they do anyways.

This is no life, just to watch others, including friends/family get ahead, get happy lives…ok not saying perfect, they have problems too…but still I got left behind. I put in a Herculean effort to get a better education so I could have a good income and have a better life. Some of my friends are doctors/dentists/engineers, they all make 6 or 7 figures annually.

I’m past middle aged now and I’m really tired of struggling…I’m still grateful to my mom for giving us a good life when we were young, but I’m just so far from where I really should’ve been and I really wish I could get off this ‘train.’

As stated I’m living mostly for family now and because times are ‘ok’…but little is keeping me here, that and having a way out is the other issue.