Trying to measure time, however that turns out

Specifically with either ditching those that apparently “hold up” the roof you live under and pretty much losing out on five years due to it in order to get things back together, or sticking under it when their mistreatment of you is a prerequisite for staying there simply so you can do necessary work & finish your degree instead of menial tasks others could quite frankly automate away by this point. This is a continuation of the third to fifth paragraphs of https://suicideproject.org/2024/09/no-guarantees/ alongside the entire post that is https://suicideproject.org/2024/09/im-making-a-mistake-or-am-i-i-dont-know/ in that I am facing the same choice, yet again.

I think it’s a sign of sorts that I’ve considered moving out this many times regardless of whatever the hell it may result in primarily because I’m much more resilient and capable from what I’ve seen in comparison to these people who don’t even know how to navigate apartment listings nowadays for all I know. I mean, I’ve considered what I would need for it to work out and I’ve narrowed it to such basic essentials that basically securing housing of any kind that would be essentially PERFECT for me would cost $500 or less a month (renting a room in my eyes is no different from a studio apartment, just that one is priced $1,000 to $1,500 less or more depending on the area you live in) and how going outside to look at your locker/mailbox for packages and letters, all that, would certainly not be the worst, definitely has more benefits privacy wise which in my physical environment I desperately need due to how disruptive and otherwise nosy others can be. I could save a bunch of funds should I even go down such a route, but the problem is that regardless of that, I lose out on the most important thing which is probably time, and money can’t replace that.

I have a lot of shit to do and look at which I most definitely cannot pass up on, and yet even just a few years sets that off track when I’ve already made so many personal mistakes on my own. I need to guarantee those things, and I also know that to some extent I can, lessening up on commute times and working wherever the job is when they are not requiring me to do the job, but I really cannot say that’s a good bet or that any of it is guaranteed, because as far as I’m aware I could be forced into a position that requires:

• Horrendous commute times either by car or public transportation (more than one hour each way, in which that already is hellish in my eyes, and it’s quite unfortunate actually if people have a tolerance for anything more than that)
• Something like a help desk job, provided I take the route of getting certifications before going unhoused and without one (I’ve mentioned the CompTIA certifications before, yes, and really in terms of the most common triad of them acquired for getting hired, you easily pass the help desk shit by that rate and yet the certifications can still lead you to such a fate for some reason? If I do end up investing in such a thing I’d at least hope I’m not doing something which is quite frankly a waste of time considering the content of said things, and the help desk roles tend to be not so productive by their most common contents…)
  • Which would essentially be no different from Starbucks except I wasted hundreds on certifications that I thought would actually have me doing something more related to what I specifically can offer that is most useful, but no, worse off if it’s any sort of “Have you tried turning the computer off and on again?” service. Better to not get the certifications at that point, which is definitely kooky.
• Getting myself killed, in all honesty, from staying outside on the streets too long. Not that I would go down any sketchy alleys or that I wouldn’t have pepper spray on me at the least at all times, or that I’d stay out any later than 10 PM or so depending on what has to be done, but I really tend not to trust such circumstances especially if someone simply assumes that I don’t actually have any housing (for the first few months or so, god forbid a year). Which people can only assume, truth be told, but of course you are present for that long and so often that they may think along those lines and target you in some way (quite unparticular which shows that the concern may not be the most grounded but regardless)? I mean, if I think about it it’s unlikely to get that bad, but I still feel like there’s a target on my back just for being physically visible.
• Time, primarily when it’s not what I receive and seek out education for. Shit.

There’s a trial and error part to it which I can’t exactly skip out on if I go for the full time job, of which there is definitely enough options out there in the market starting out, but the 8 hours a weekday changes things alongside the increased exposure to people that may not be so mutually beneficial. Not losing 40 hours a week outright in comparison, or at least not needing to lessen those 40 hours over time and furthermore make better use of them whenever said chances present themselves, sounds more helpful, but there are limitations placed upon me at all times here that pretty much decrease the effectiveness of my conduct for all hours of the day. It’s just a matter of whether or not that hindrance gets to the point of making my output below 6 to 8 hours a day of uninterrupted and actual work, when I of course have at least 16 hours in each and every day after taking into account sleep.

I will have extra money if I go ahead and do this, but what I need isn’t the money but rather time and freedom of conduct of course, and financial security means nothing if you can’t act with it obviously. This is quite the misalignment of resources in that I (at least would like to believe) am used to living somewhat frugally and practically, and it negates the need for anything above the most basic salary as a result. Which makes me think that, perhaps, over time I can lessen expenses to the point that I only work part time if anything, and that there are still options for everything should I seek them out, but it primarily comes to the potential of whether or not this full time job thing can pivot to any capacity then. Whether it’s commuting or what they have me doing during the working hours (if I’m getting skills in something relevant it softens the blow just a bit) or if it’s not even based upon hours, but just tasks to complete, I can’t guarantee it. I also can’t guarantee that my sanity will hold up for much longer having to deal with the people I live with, obviously being worse than just roommates because in this situation I can’t move out without immediately thrusting myself into an irreversible decision.

And the fact that it’s irreversible is what concerns me a bit I guess, but at the same time, things are being pushed to this point and these people will not give me the shreds of respect or privacy or peace that I not even just deserve, but need. And is also what I, lopsidedly in this situation, provide to them at all times. Fuck. Either way I don’t know, it’s a matter of preparing before you are thrown out without notice, but if you aren’t thrown out without notice in the time it takes to finish up and move out, then all that time you spent looking at the rental listings and getting those certifications that are only slightly related to your main occupation are sort of for nothing. A false alarm that you should have taken better notes of.  Whether or not it’s a false alarm, only these people know what they are intending. Those years are at their mercy sort of, but more specifically, they are at my mercy in case I one of these days get so fed up with this shit I take whatever of my own property I can take with me and board the Amtrak to a more affordable place, at which in that case it starts by living day to day with the food banks and shelters, should the latter not be run by the occupants instead of the staff… At least, if that’s how everything goes, but I can’t say for sure what that consists of either.

I don’t know. I hope this shit sorts itself out surprisingly but as I’ve said before that puts me at risk and it’s therefore a balancing act of waiting vs preparing to book it out of there, etc. Maybe I should make sure I have my personal identification and documentation with me instead of in my “guardians” hands, at the very least. Haven’t done that yet, because I once again fall as a fool for the moments of calm, but as we see that doesn’t work out all that often???

Either way, each day I flip flop back and forth between getting back to what I’m ACTUALLY supposed to be doing and getting out of here, no matter the potential cost. I cannot truly determine the impact of either option (at least in the moment), and that gets at me when choosing wrong is certainly not much of an option.