I’ve managed it every year for almost the past 3 years—disappearing and pushing everyone away. I thought that I was starting to feel a sense of normalcy again these past 3-5 months, but all of that hope for betterment came crashing down when I—once again—became involved with my ex girlfriend.
We had a terrible relationship for almost 2 years and it was—undeniably—because of me. I believe I’m a narcissist, so I feel like it’s necessary to state that I was in the victim in no shape or form. I remember some of her exact words to me were that “[I] ruined [her] innocence” and made her life very miserable and stressful for the last year we were around each-other.
I did not take it well at all when we separated. I became attached to her—obsessively—and couldn’t bare the thought of not even being able to talk to her. Ever since then, I have been unable to see people—an mainly, the world—in the same way that I did before I met her.
These views weren’t developed at all, and I believe that’s what has made me this way now. I always had a thin veil of ignorance that made me contently indifferent, so it wasn’t as if I already had my own developed view of the world around me at all. I don’t think I would be as awful as I am now if I didn’t meet her because at the very least I would’ve continued my life with relatively naïve indifference—a lack of experience in extreme stress, paranoia, and worthlessness. That’s not to say that I haven’t felt all of those things before—including suicidal thoughts—but it wasn’t as pronounced as it is now following our break-up.
I hit my mental limit and attempted suicide around 7 months ago because us being around each-other had strained and stressed her out so much that she couldn’t bare it anymore—and I couldn’t bare to not be with her anymore. This was only my 3rd relationship, and now I don’t know if I can ever be with anyone again—or even have friends again. Multiple times she told me that everything would be okay—that I would be okay—but I have yet to see anything improve for me.
I know exactly why I haven’t became better mentally, but I don’t know how to properly move on and stop creating so many self-fulfilling prophecies of misery and isolation. Every time I become over-stressed, anxious, depressed, suicidal, or paranoid, I completely shut-down and distance myself from everyone—except for the people I can’t avoid, such as family. And when I come back I think to myself “everything will be fine now. All I needed was a small-break—this time I will become better and finally move on.” Obviously though, I never become better—and at this point I’m beginning to doubt whether or not I ever will because of the way my mind is wired—I am beginning to doubt whether or not I will live a normal, healthy life.
The way I acted with my ex in the distant and recent past has been empirical evidence that I am mentally unwell in an abnormal way—It doesn’t help my case that I’ve had multiple friends and girlfriends in the past tell me the exact same thing. If that is the case—since I don’t want to self-diagnose—What am I supposed to do? If it is the case that my brain is wired in such an abnormal way that I can’t just “move on” and “get better” like a normal person, then what am I supposed to do?
I still have feelings for my ex despite us breaking-up a year-and-a-half ago and only stopping all communications a little over 6 months ago. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay because I can’t stop myself from thinking “I will never be okay.” I’m constantly nurturing the seeds of doubt, misery, and aimlessness in myself so much so that I think it’s too late for me to actually change. I don’t want to be that person that can’t talk about anything else other than “I’m miserable, everyone hates me.” Because no one likes a narcissist—I don’t know how I managed to retain a friend through all of the years I’ve known them. I just want to be free—I want to stop caring about my ex in any shape or form. The last thing I did before completely going silent on all of the people I know, and distancing myself from everything, was telling my ex that I love her. I don’t want to say that I’m hopeless, but I think that I am.
1 comment
You appear to be self aware. That’s more than what a lot of people can say. I understand that feeling that you are inherently broken. It is hard to change. Maybe it’s impossible for some people or maybe not. I can’t really say myself. Regardless I hope you find the strength to push through. As painful as it is.
No experience with relationship stuff but definitely familiar with becoming so enamored with someone that it hurts them. It seems that you’re able to physically see her so that definitely doesn’t help. What would be great is if you can get a clean break. Those are hard to pull off and it won’t instantly fix things, but it would be a start. Of course it depends on what you’re doing right now and if it even possible to do a clean break. I hope something manages to sort itself out. Random chance can always help (and hurt). Just got to wait and see the results every now and again.
Hope things get better for you.