Him

I’m usually really good about being able to write out my feelings and right now I’m at a loss for words. I think because after so long i finally let someone in. I let him into my life. I let him see the darkest parts of me. I let him hear about my abuse. My love for pills. My severe depression. My anxiety. My hate for myself. For once I wasn’t sad I wasn’t fearful of being alone with a man. He didn’t take advantage of me. He didn’t scream at me for my fuck ups. I only ever asked for one thing and that was that he never laid hands on me. He promised.

it was such a good day. We ended it curled up in bed. I was half asleep when he got up to use the bathroom and i heard him stop and start shuffling through my stuff. I knew exactly what he was looking at. It been sitting there haunting me for so long. The bottle of pills. I asked what he was looking for and he said nothing. He took them. Almost all of them. So high he started hurting me. I begged him to stop so many times. He didn’t listen. I haven’t been hurt this badly in a long time. I don’t ask for much. I hate myself. I hate him. I don’t hate him. I should but everyone makes mistakes. I wish i could hate him. I think i love him. Actually i know i do. It’s the first time I’ve loved someone in such a long time. I told myself that i would kill myself at 30. There’s no reason to stay around. Make everyone as happy as you can until then and leave the world a better place. When I’m with him i see myself past 30. With a child, a house and a great job. Both of us doing amazing.

I don’t know how to feel or how to even talk about it this time. The voices in my head are incoherent and I can’t get them straightened out. I want him here with me. But i don’t want hi

UPDATE

i started this on march 4, 2025 at 11:38pm. Its now august 31, 2025 at 10:07pm.

I’m sitting here now writing this. Updating myself or maybe updating you guys. I haven’t decided yet. He has came such a long way being here. I’m so proud of him and i hope for my sake he keeps it up as selfish as that sounds. The love and kindness he has shown me is overwhelming at times mostly because i think I don’t deserve it. He makes me laugh which is a small thing but I couldn’t find humor in anything before him. He’s kind. I’ve never been with someone who treated me kindly. His hands are gentle in a way I’ve needed for so long. He doesn’t make me cry. He genuinely makes my life better. He makes me better.

He’s sitting here with me. He’s eating playing his game and I’m sitting here typing this. Pure bliss. Peaceful. I’m starting to trust myself again. My feelings and I don’t think I could’ve done it without him. My heart is full.

His family has been so welcoming to me. They haven’t judged me not once (at least not to my face) and I couldn’t be more appreciative.

I’m scared though. I’m such a fuck up that one day I’m going to slip and lose everything I’ve worked so hard for. I’m going to lose him. I’m self destructive. I try and be open and honest with him but I can’t always let him know how I’m feeling or what’s going on in my brain. I can’t let him know that i want to drink. He tells me I’m doing amazing in my recovery and I’m so strong but I don’t feel it. I want to drink so bad and the only reason I haven’t is because he is here with me and its like he’s told my friends and family that if he’s not here not to leave me alone. I don’t actually think he’s done that but i feel like it. It takes everything in me not to drink at any inconvenience. I can’t let him know that i want to take pills again. I can’t let him know that i took the rest of the bottle of pain killers that he stole from me back in march. And it was the best high I’ve gotten in a long time. My tolerance shit but the feelings still felt amazing on a bad day… I can’t tell him that when he’s not around i can feel myself slipping back into the hole i was in before. The way 30 is looking more like 24 and my ending is coming up so soon. I know i shouldn’t rely on someone else for my happiness, i know i shouldn’t let a man have this much control over how i feel but i would let this one ruin me for one more second if it meant i could be around him another day.

i hope nothing ever happens to him. I’ve realized now that i do love him. More than anything. I knew it back in march but didn’t want to come to terms with it. He makes my days brighter. He makes me smile. He makes me laugh. He makes me want to be a better person. He makes me want to live…again. I don’t feel the pit in my stomach when i wake up in the morning. I feel at peace.