Do you notice that there are rules of social engagement that other people understand, but you struggle with?
It’s been a thought of mine lately that, at the risk of being dismissive, I will refuse to endure sifting through nuanced conversations with half shrouded intentions. It exhausts me to try to sort through discussions within my social sphere trying to determine who is friend, foe, or frenemy.
Frankly, I would rather be alone with my own oddness than suffer through the boorish character assassination of the petty and the restless.
It disgusts me when people just want to “warn” me to avoid someone else. It’s just a veiled effort to gossip and be controlling. Let me determine for myself if I want to know the person. They may be odd like me and enjoy straightforward truthfulness.
I am trying to see the best in others when possible. Their uniqueness. It is so hard when Mrs. “well meaning” whispers in my ear warning me to stay away from “that one” and “don’t trust this one” and that this person is trying to steal her husband. You know it is just a matter of time before they are whispering a warning about you.
Ugh. Disgusting. Leave me alone. You smile like a serpent and speak with a forked tongue, too.
Or am I just being a backward, alienating dullard as usual?
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I truly appreciate your artful and intelligent use of language. We each are taught how to use language artfully in such classes as language arts (of course), and yet woefully, so few actually do so. There seems to be a higher percentage of us in these places.
Human beings are complicated, contradictory creatures. Happier people tend to also be herd animals, and thus they enjoy the benefits and psychological resources of group membership. The freethinkers, intellectuals, eccentrics, and ill are more inclined, generally, to form their own ways about things. I assure you, you are no dullard.
These attributes we judge by do not exist beyond human thought. It is okay to be dismissive, and I, too, would rather judge someone for their concrete actions instead of by the rumors and opinions of others.
Hi PW. I agree that we can be contradictory creatures. I am not sure that people are happier in a herd. They may feel safer and have a semblance of belonging. With people being more or less complex, and group dynamics being what they are, it’s like a microcosm of society. Some are more permissive, others more structured by rules.
I guess it just comes down to the age old question of perception of self and other.
I want to be in pool, but I don’t want to drown anyone or be drowned. Sometimes part of the flotilla or the swim meet, but other times just working on my dives, butterfly stroke, or hanging out in the shallows conversing.
I also like being on the sidelines, in proximity but not in the thick of it. A shout away. There I can read, or close my eyes and think, or watch how all the subgroup dynamics play out.
It’s hard to understand why people feel the need to control others or make a sport of harassing someone or when it’s time to step in or when to let it run its course.
Embracing the oddness of being socially mystified is preferable to the self-condemnation that comes from perceiving myself as an outright misfit.
If I don’t like one pool club I can join another. Trouble is, there are a limited number of clubs.
I totally agree with @Plainwhite that happy people tend to be part of a community rather than lone wolves. And community membership requires complex, often absurd interactions including judgment, gossip (shared judgment), and in extreme cases shunning or even bullying those who don’t fit the herd.
Those of us who don’t have the stomach for the game, well we can always go off by ourselves and isolate. But it’s not like that’s any great victory. It full sucks if you ask me.
That’s why I try to play along with the game as much as possible. I can blend with the herd for short periods, i.e. hold a polite conversation despite my burning desire to gouge my own eyes out and jump out a window. In that respect, polite society keeps me safe. But I guess you’re talking more about “impolite” society.
In that situation, if someone says something really unfair or offensive about someone else, I usually disagree in a friendly but firm manner. Just to signal that I’m not cool with that sort of bs. You’d be surprised that people often pick up on the cue and steer back into safe waters. I guess the underlying idea is that the herd doesn’t like conflict, so as long as you handle yourself in a non confrontational way, you can send messages to smooth things out. Human interactions do require a lot of work. If you don’t have the patience that’s cool, but like I said, I haven’t had much fun with total isolation so I try to exist on the periphery.
D2D. I wrote back but my session timed out.
Mostly our thinking aligns. She is intentionally destructive, no gentle nudge will change anything.
In writing back to you, it made me realize that my role there may be to help those she hurts realize that they are okay, that we all have our positive and negative attributes and that it is good to offer grace to one another and our to own selves.
By saying something positive about the person she is trying to condemn, maybe it will afford others in the conversation to likewise choose kindness over condemnation.
Both you and Plainwhite helped to work out this problem. It seems so simple now! Thank you both.
Muddle, that’s an amazing revelation to get in the midst of your own pain: to help others. I wasn’t even thinking of the actual victim, the person being maligned, but you’re right. That’s the person we can help the most by injecting positivity.
You suddenly made me remember a long buried experience from elementary school. We were each doing a presentation where we were supposed to argue a point, and my argument was really weak and abstract so naturally I got trashed. But there was one person in the class who sorta stuck up for me. That counted for a whole lot, just knowing that 1 person got me and maybe they could convince the others where I failed.
Anyway, yes absolutely I think you nailed it. Your role in that ridiculous circus. I’m sure this can apply to the meaning of life in general but I’m not that evolved yet.
That’s a great story. Glad that person stuck up for you. Kindness does make a difference.
Thanks for the encouragement. It’s easy to overthink things sometimes and just stagnate. When things stagnate, they decay. Like putrified water.
I don’t want to be stagnant.
I find that I mask when I’m around people, sort of morph myself a bit into a somewhat functional human being.
On the one hand, I know in my subconscious that I am very much a freak of an individual. I think the environment morphs me into something that’s at least capable of working with others in a work environment. I have my interests, and my job alligns with things I’m into, which helps.
And yet, how the fuck can I “contribute”, how can I help anyone when I’ve been treading water since I graduated school? I fight my mentality a lot when I’m alone. Distractions galore unless I really focus on a task I need to do, else my mind devolves into hateful self talk and random music or things I remember that pop in, a cacophony of thoughts and partial hypnogagic hallucinaions (due to a medical condition) that make me think I’m insane in rare circumstances.
I’ve been able to imagine going insane in some capacity, a la Two-Face or dealing with bizzare alters I can’t control, but all in my own head, like the marvel superhero Legion. I kind of view it all somewhat externally to keep myself from going down a bad path.
All that being said, my point is, so many people on planet earth, you gotta learn their quirks and idiosyncrasies, you have to treat them accordingly. You’ll really latch on or relate to some and not at all to others, but you may have to tolerate others in a work environment, for example.
Being friendly enough does help of course.
While I don’t try to mask, I don’t feel the need to be known by most people. I try to be decent inasmuch as it is dependent upon me.
If a dog is rabid, I am not going to try to pet it.
Glad you are fortunate to work in a field that has personal meaning for you. That’s not something we hear very often, is it?
Hey, I don’t really have any advice, but regarding one thing – it’s best to make up your OWN mind about a particular person, without outside influence. People can be very horrid and gossipy, and there’s been many instances of backstabbing just to make ‘others look bad’. People have their own agendas too.
I’ve been socially awkward for my whole life, I’ve just had to accept it, as hard as it is to accept.
Oh, and pay particular attention to people’s ACTIONS. words are just words at the end of the day. people can say alot of stuff.
Correct on all points, Wisp. Thanks for reaching out!