antidepressants have been helpful in keeping me alive, unfortunately a side effect of mine is loss of concentration and it’s starting to annoy me, forming my thoughts takes way too long. but regardless, i still want to live, i’ve tried calling my surgery a few times for an appointment to increase my meds. they keep telling me to call at a different time or try again later because there are no slots available. it’s really frustrating, i feel my heartbeat slowing, lungs fill irregularly. i feel like i could sink into my bed for days.
it’s so stupid that i’ve been ruminating on a method for years and i’ve still got no clue how i’d do it, i was so obsessed. there’s too many risks i don’t want to take, never the right time. i tell myself. i don’t want to push myself to this point, but everything is looking so bleak. life could’ve been so beautiful but i ruined it and continue to do so, my eyes wide in constant panic and get tired so easily. it’s neverending until someone stops it. if something feels right then it probably is, that’s the advice, isn’t it?
i guess i’ll see how this week goes. i wish i could tell a real person how i truly feel and think without the fear of being treated like a lunatic. i want to exist so badly like any other human. i often daydream of a better reality.
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Can I ask a question? This is more a question to myself than to you, since I had a similar experience with meds diverting my thoughts of suicide by making me unable to think.
Is that an existence worth living? Won’t it catch up eventually, the inability to be yourself, reduced to a zombie who can’t form complete thoughts?
They put me on antidepressants and it made me numb for a week before wearing off, so they upped the dose, and again and again. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out they’re just plugging a dam with a bunch of fingers but you can’t hold back the river.
With me it came to a head and I nearly kms out of sheer frustration with the new mental handicap, and that’s exactly what it gives you. A handicap, just like cutting off the legs of a jumper so he can’t jump. These thoughts came to a boil (when I was able to think) and I nearly kms but decided to try getting off meds instead. This was a year ago and it worked (for a year).
Like I said, I’m just venting about my own frustration with the system you described. They don’t fix anything, they just smooth over the issues. Like planting sod over a sinkhole. Isn’t it better to just face reality?
it’s not a good existence and i do feel and act like a zombie half the time. i feel i have a tiny bit more energy than i did before taking them though and i’m getting more things done. it’s not a massive improvement of course. i don’t think i’ve given them an honest try until i recently stopped drinking, i didn’t think it would have a big effect but i’m feeling more grounded now and i’m feeling more emotions. i don’t know what the long term plan is though, i know that i will max out this medication (citalopram in the uk) in the next year because it can’t last forever (idk how people can just take the same tablet for the rest of their lives and be fine?), so i admit it’s just a temporary solution. at the moment i just want to live to clean up my mess and save some money for my parents because god they’ll need it, they’re utterly alone and i don’t think they’ll live long.
i felt the most suicidal when i was on my first meds (fluoxetine), such a shite outdated drug that they still prescribe because it’s cheap. they don’t really care to help people live.
i think it’s better to face reality, but at the moment i want to put it off and see how far i can drag my corpse, for as long as i can function. i want to see beautiful things first.
That’s a good point. These drugs can’t fix anything permanently, but if they give you enough energy to get things done (even robotically), then you can improve your life or at least get some forward momentum.
I suppose that’s the strategy a lot of us use in self medicating, especially for anxiety and stuff. If I’m dreading some task, sometimes I’ll get plastered just so I can power thru it. Then sober up to a better life (lol)
I’m glad you got off the old stuff fluoxetine, I’ve heard a lot of horror stories with those 1st generation SSRIs. My horror story was with sertraline/zoloft, another 1st gen SSRI. Let’s hope your new dose of citalopram can get things done, even if they stop working within a year, I hope you can make some progress.
thank you, i hope i feel better soon. unfortunately haven’t got the extra tablets yet. the pharmacy is pissing me off, communcation between them and my surgery is horrible.
“just like cutting off the legs of a jumper so he can’t jump.”
>That’s exactly right.
>And there’s no money in someone dying so we gotta keep the sheep alive but broken
it’s sad half our money goes to taxes and we reap barely any benefits, mostly funding atrocities we don’t know of. as long as we’re working it doesn’t matter to the gov how we’re suffering.