Fate

I think I’m destined for abuse and to be hurt by others. My parents made sure how much they hated me and wanted me to fail. When they kicked me out, I thought my friend – turned boyfriend – would lead me to a softer life. I guess it was the naive of youth that would think a 21 year old man I met on the internet would genuinely love me. After the teenage pregnancies and subsequent abortions and supporting him financially for years, I decided to return to education. I discovered how twisted he is compared to the people on campus. Maybe I always knew.

And when I finally decided that I have had enough and reached out (not something I do), and I moved into a new household for a temporary time – I am attacked again my their dog. I would joke how the pain in refreshing. I could joke about how I’ve never been attacked by a dog before. But I cannot focus on my studies. I cannot finish this semester. I was raped in the morning and showed up for class in the afternoon multiple times during this year. I could compartmentalize all the trauma and psychological torture, but this recent attack hasn’t been that. And it’s not even the dog attack itself. It’s this fatalistic acceptance. I was just about to feel okay. I’m exhausted at being resilient. I don’t want to be an inspiring story of overcoming challenge after challenge or trauma after trauma. I just want to be okay.