i’m getting nowhere. why is it that i don’t hold onto the things i experience and people i talk to? it’s like everything passes through me, i don’t absorb anything, i am hollow. it’s a struggle to produce a thought.
on friday a girl at work said she doesn’t want to work in the same room as me because i’m boring, the guy she was talking to chuckled. safe to say that no one wants to be around me. idk what it is about me that makes people not start a convo with me, on some occasions i’ve put the effort in to try to start a convo but people seem disengaged, like they’ve already decided to avoid me. looks like my autism is getting in the way, awesome. but i’m also an objectively boring person, sure everyone has interests, but for some reason i can’t voice mine, i stumble, lose my words and don’t make sense to people. i’ve been seemingly allergic to people my whole life. shit sucks. just today i tried joining a card game group but couldn’t bring myself to walk in, it’s pathetic to be terrified of this.
i’ve briefly looked into EMS therapy. does anyone here maybe know if it’s effective? it’s like a last resort for people with severe depression/bpd. it’s appealing to have my brain rewired because thats where these issues lie. i truthfully don’t care about the side effects (brain damage, memory loss), it’s either this or death. TMS is a gentler option but time consuming and looks to be more expensive. i wish EMS was more accessible where i am. medication feels like a guessing game, i don’t think the doctors put much thought into which ones they prescribe to people.
been trying talking therapy and it hasn’t been very productive, i am more honest than i was with previous ones. i don’t think she is the right fit for me, she seems to coddle me too much, i’ll have to decide if it’s worth still seeing her after this week’s session. i believe it would be helpful if a therapist recommended i should receive EMS, maybe i could get it faster. idk.
although reconnecting with an old friend has been nice, i can’t help but compare my life to hers. i really admire people that can just do what they want, without anxiety getting in the way. to have a support system, to have friends to rely on. to have family members and cousins to talk to if you’re struggling to make friends. it makes me cry to think about what i don’t have, but it’s normal for others to have that. i have zero connections to the real world and it devastates me every day.