They say when you’re about to kill yourself you don’t say anything to anyone. I haven’t realized how close I’ve been for the last few weeks until i talked to my therapist. I’ve been so depressed I couldn’t get out of bed. Everything has seemed so hard. I’m constantly sick and my head is exploding. Living is getting harder and harder but i get up, take a shower and go to work. Smile and hang out with my friends, make my clients feel beautiful and then i go home and think of all the ways it would be better if I wasn’t alive.
When my therapist came out and got me for my appointment she asked how i was. I smiled so big and said i was really good. Life’s been great. She smiled back and said good. We had our session and nearing the end she looked at me and told me to stop faking it, said “I’ve been your therapist for 11 years i know when you’re lying to me”. I instantly started crying. I haven’t cried like this in so long. I couldnt catch my breath. It felt like the earth had shattered beneath me. She saw me. She saw how hard i had been working. She saw my mask that i had put on. She knew i had a plan. She saw how broken i am. She hugged me for so long. I think that hug healed me a little.
I’m supposed to turn 25 next month and I’m trying so hard to hold on but I don’t see it happening.
1 comment
May I ask why you pretend to be ok for your therapist? I’ve never had any real therapy, no more than a handful of sessions where I faked it just like you, but I imagine a therapist of 11 years would make you feel comfortable enough to open up immediately?
Is it just, like you said, clamming up as you feel yourself getting closer to suicide?
I’m really glad that you got it out at the end, or at least some of it. And if it did you good, I hope you can build on that.